Post by dastardly on Sept 20, 2007 15:02:26 GMT -5
Dail glances at his car radio clock. 7:30 P.M. It is the evening, dark enough for the streetlights to be on, but light enough to see a couple hundred feet or so down the street clearly. An intersection, Venice and Cale Avenue, is seen, with rather minimal traffic coming from any direction. The light changes, and Pearl White 2005 Chrysler 300 M makes a left turn from Cale on to Venice, and an almost immediate duplicate left into the parking lot of a Blockbuster Video. As he pulls into an available parking place, the rear license-plate of the car is noticed for the first time, reading "WGWF DP" The driver's side door opens and from within emerges Dastardly Dail Pritchards wearing a flashy, metallic blue shirt, and loose-fitting black carpenter jeans. From the passenger side, out steps the never before seen Delilah, with her long red curly hair waving in the wind like a wild brush fire. Covering her body, somewhat, is a red thin strap dress down to her knees. Dail extends his arm to the red headed goddess. He activates the alarm and proceeds into the establishment. As he enters, a bell on the door rings, and he is greeted by a young clerk, about 19 or 20 years old, with shaved blonde hair and thick, plastic-rimmed glasses.
Clerk: "Good evening sir, welcome to Blockbuster Video!"
Dail simply shines him on, and walks directly to the 'Special Interest' section. After a moment or two of browsing, he selects a pair of videos, and makes for the counter. He goes through the common-place video store rituals of presenting his card, and as he is preparing to produce money from a wad, held by a clip bearing a the initials “D P”. A few seconds pass and with a few clicks of the keyboard, the clerk stops and looks first at his computer monitor then at Dail.
Dail Pritchards: What?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Mr. Pritchards, I can't check out any more videos to you until you return 'B*tches of the Big Easy', 'Girls Gone Wild 74' and ‘Mona Lisa’s Smile’ They've been overdue for more than a month and a half.
Dail: Um.....I...uh.....
Delilah pokes Dail in the stomach and glares at him. Uneasy, Dail sends a rigid smile back.
Dail Pritchards: What? I never rented those!
Clerk: But Mr. Pritchards, I have your rental agreement right here. Your signature is on the dotted line.
Dail glances at the slip of paper held up by the clerk but as he reaches for it Delilah snatches it.
Delilah (upset): You forgot to tell him he also has ‘The Da Vinci Cum’.
Delilah wads up the piece of paper and tosses it at Dail just before storming out the door. Dail turns back to the clerk with an ice cold glare. The clerk gulps.
Dail Pritchards: Thanks. Listen......(glances at the clerks name-tag)..Matt, I'll return those flicks when I'm done watching them, but for now, what I want is those two DVD’s in your hand.
Clerk: First of all, sir, my name is Franklin, and secondly, our store policy won't allow us to check out any movies to a customer with outstanding overdue charges.
Dail Pritchards: Well, Randy, I could really care less what the store policy says... I'm Dastardly Dail Pritchards and I want to see American Pie: Band Camp!
Franklin: I realize that sir...
Dail Pritchards: Then, I'll pay the charges, and let me check out the damn movies!
Franklin: I can't do that sir, not until the tapes themselves are returned.
Dail Pritchards: Fine, Mike, you little sh*BLEEP*t. I'll just buy something else to watch tonight!
Franklin: My name is Franklin, Mr. Pritcha...
Dail Pritchards: I’m sure it is kid but, do I honestly look like I care what your name is?
Dail strolls over to the shelves showcasing the 'Previously-Viewed DVDs.' He takes a look...and spies an interesting one.
Dail Pritchards (holding up the tape to show the clerk): Heat? Where have I heard that name before? It sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn’t that some 20 year old movie with Pachino and De Nero?
Franklin: You mean you haven't heard of Heat ? He's awesome! I've seen all of his classic matches! Which one is that “Fear the Heat” or “Heat: Unleashed and Pissed"?
Dail is intrigued momentarily, and flips the tape over to peruse the jacket. As he reads, his facial expression changes from one of indifference and frustration to one that seems as if he is struggling to hold back laughter.
Dail Pritchards (mid-chuckle): Hold it kid, you've gotta be kidding me...this jizz stain is your favorite wrestler? I've seen crippled midgets that could take this guy to town.
Franklin: First off, Heat is no jizz stai...
Dail Pritchards: SUUUUUUUURE.
Franklin: But Heat is...
Dail Pritchards: He's what?
Franklin: I said...he's...
Dail Pritchards: Don't stutter, Sparky. What the hell have you got to be nervous about?
Franklin: Heat...he's... um….. that one guy…. That…..uh…..
Dail Pritchards: First off, Harvey...
Franklin: ...Franklin...
Dail Pritchards: ...whatever...you really oughta reconsider your favorite wrestler if you can't even recall criteria off the top of your head. This little woman and the rest of his prom dates that compile the would-be “competition” will get their collective asses whipped in less then a weeks time, when “The Damn Dirty Bastard” enters a WGWF ring for the first time. I understand that talk is cheap and the little girls in the back are going to expect me to “prove myself”, but a battle royal victory is inevitable. Hell everyone on the WGWF roster are just numbers on my hit list. These idiots might as well try to turn it into a war against myself if they want a snowballs chance in hell! You want a good favorite wrestler? Here! Take me... I'm the freakin’ meal ticket for 90% of this WGWF promotion, management included. I'm the one that kicks ass. I'm the one that will put the buy-rate behind ticket-sales, certain exceptions, which do not include wastes of roster space like Lazareth and New Smoke. I am Dastardly Dail Pritchards, The Dastardly Deed, the Crowned-Prince of Chaos, and once... just once... Miss Florence Culpepper of New Haven, Connecticut, but that was only for one night and I was drunk off my ever-lovin' ass.
Pritchards, DVD still in hand, for some odd reason, continues to browse the movies while Franklin stands with a confused look on his face.
Dail Pritchards: Who the heck are these people? Fire? Hardy? And who is this (spotting another dust collecting DVD) Shawn Ablaze ? A wrestler? He sounds like a Saturday Morning cartoon villain reject!
Dail tossed the DVD wildly back on the shelf in disgust before glancing at another.
Dail Pritchards: Hey! Here’s one I know. TY Streets! What’s the title of this one? “Girl Scouts Gone Wild?” HA!
He looks up at Franklin in dismay and quickly changes the subject.
Dail Pritchards: Do you like Chris Platinum?
Frankling: Well, sure! I watch him every time he’s on. He’s…..
Dail Pritchards: Pathedic? Yes I know. Total shmuck and about to be demoted from wrestler to that smelly stuff that sticks to my boot at the movie theater. What is all that Platinum crap anyway? Little pecker woods naming them self after a metal that they will never be able to afford with their pay check from their day job at Walmart! Or maybe is his trying to make himself sound as hard as metal? If he is looking for a name to describe himself shouldn’t he be calling himself Chris Feces?.
Dail continues to flip through the movies.
Dail Pritchards: I swear, Marty, you guys really oughta have this stuff in the comedy section, their names alone would draw better ratings than American Idol. I mean look at this; The Sentinel, Flame, Chronic Chris Page… HA! Or at least sell these movies as paper weights. (He finally notices something about the video he is holding.) Hey! Aren't these supposed to be previously-viewed?
Franklin: Yes, they ARE.
Dail Pritchards: Then why hasn't this (holds up the Pat Williams DVD) ever been opened. Hell, the sticker is still holding the box closed! (He notices the other movie) hey, none of these have been opened! What's the matter? No one interested in these characters? I don't suppose you have any of Halo’s flicks..."
Franklin: Halo? That’s not a movie, it’s a game. I can’t wait for Halo 3!
Dail Pritchards: No no no! Halo is a game but I am talking about a clithe piece of rip off trash who also goes by Halo! You know he’s aronther one of those old school hardcore losers: the kind of idiot that swings barbed wire chairs and puts people through a table on the outside of the ring…
Franklin: Oh... you mean Sabu?
Dail Pritchards: No! Sabu was at least entertaining to watch, this douche just tosses people into the ropes hard and does a played out spear.
Franklin: Rhyno?
Dail Pritchards: Damnit kid. NO, listen up, I'll give you a little history lesson. Back in the Glory Days, when people cheered for some chump just lifting an eyebrow, yours truly went through the wrestling world breaking bones and turning heads. Then comes Captain Cliché, spouting out the most trite crap I’ve ever heard, and he manages to snag an open spot of the WGWF Roster and then has the unfortunate luck of having to step into the ring with a real force to be reckoned with, a man who will take his little chair and shove it so far up his ass that he can floss with the barbed wire. Oddly enough, as trite as this walking punch line seems, the locker room is buzzing about his arrival. Jesus, if this brownie can turn head, then someone with REAL talent, your’s truly, will be running this federation in no time! And I guess the suits in the back are well aware of that! I haven’t been in the federation but two days and they sign me up in a debut match Battle Royal with 11 other schmucks who are nothing more than fragile blades of grass on my stomping ground!
Franklin: Oh THAAAAAT Halo......speaking of his movies...
Dail Pritchards: Yah, yah... I've heard enough from you. Shut your yap! While I’m stomping Sunday nights dinner out of these pint size half whit retards on Brawl, the rest of the locker room will be on the edges of there seats. Everyone of them will be watching in fear, knowing that perhaps, someday, after I finish making 11 other idiots air-born, I’m coming after them. Get my drift, Richard?
Franklin: About his movies….
Franklin motions for Dail Pritchards to turn around. Dail obliges him, and finds a cardboard box filled completely with $.99 Clearanced Halo VHS tapes. Dail looks up at the clerk puzzled.
Franklin: They just never sold. They won’t even make them in DVD’s.
Dail doesn't look particularly surprised by the fact presented. He starts to move towards to the exit.
Franklin: Wait, Mr. Pritchards, aren't you going to buy a movie?!
Dail Pritchards (Leaving the video on the counter, and just about out the door): Naw, I think I'll go down to Hollywood Video, maybe they've got better selection. And kid, a word of advice... get some help, or at least some better taste. See ya around, Robert.
Franklin: It's Frank...
But the clerk is cut off by the jingling of the bell rattling as the door swings to a close, Dail already through it and on the way to his car. Where he meet’s Delilah.
Delilah: I thought you were just going to buy something.
Dail Pritchards: Naw… all they had were a bunch of TY Streets and Chris Platinum movies.
Delilah: Who?
Clerk: "Good evening sir, welcome to Blockbuster Video!"
Dail simply shines him on, and walks directly to the 'Special Interest' section. After a moment or two of browsing, he selects a pair of videos, and makes for the counter. He goes through the common-place video store rituals of presenting his card, and as he is preparing to produce money from a wad, held by a clip bearing a the initials “D P”. A few seconds pass and with a few clicks of the keyboard, the clerk stops and looks first at his computer monitor then at Dail.
Dail Pritchards: What?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Mr. Pritchards, I can't check out any more videos to you until you return 'B*tches of the Big Easy', 'Girls Gone Wild 74' and ‘Mona Lisa’s Smile’ They've been overdue for more than a month and a half.
Dail: Um.....I...uh.....
Delilah pokes Dail in the stomach and glares at him. Uneasy, Dail sends a rigid smile back.
Dail Pritchards: What? I never rented those!
Clerk: But Mr. Pritchards, I have your rental agreement right here. Your signature is on the dotted line.
Dail glances at the slip of paper held up by the clerk but as he reaches for it Delilah snatches it.
Delilah (upset): You forgot to tell him he also has ‘The Da Vinci Cum’.
Delilah wads up the piece of paper and tosses it at Dail just before storming out the door. Dail turns back to the clerk with an ice cold glare. The clerk gulps.
Dail Pritchards: Thanks. Listen......(glances at the clerks name-tag)..Matt, I'll return those flicks when I'm done watching them, but for now, what I want is those two DVD’s in your hand.
Clerk: First of all, sir, my name is Franklin, and secondly, our store policy won't allow us to check out any movies to a customer with outstanding overdue charges.
Dail Pritchards: Well, Randy, I could really care less what the store policy says... I'm Dastardly Dail Pritchards and I want to see American Pie: Band Camp!
Franklin: I realize that sir...
Dail Pritchards: Then, I'll pay the charges, and let me check out the damn movies!
Franklin: I can't do that sir, not until the tapes themselves are returned.
Dail Pritchards: Fine, Mike, you little sh*BLEEP*t. I'll just buy something else to watch tonight!
Franklin: My name is Franklin, Mr. Pritcha...
Dail Pritchards: I’m sure it is kid but, do I honestly look like I care what your name is?
Dail strolls over to the shelves showcasing the 'Previously-Viewed DVDs.' He takes a look...and spies an interesting one.
Dail Pritchards (holding up the tape to show the clerk): Heat? Where have I heard that name before? It sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn’t that some 20 year old movie with Pachino and De Nero?
Franklin: You mean you haven't heard of Heat ? He's awesome! I've seen all of his classic matches! Which one is that “Fear the Heat” or “Heat: Unleashed and Pissed"?
Dail is intrigued momentarily, and flips the tape over to peruse the jacket. As he reads, his facial expression changes from one of indifference and frustration to one that seems as if he is struggling to hold back laughter.
Dail Pritchards (mid-chuckle): Hold it kid, you've gotta be kidding me...this jizz stain is your favorite wrestler? I've seen crippled midgets that could take this guy to town.
Franklin: First off, Heat is no jizz stai...
Dail Pritchards: SUUUUUUUURE.
Franklin: But Heat is...
Dail Pritchards: He's what?
Franklin: I said...he's...
Dail Pritchards: Don't stutter, Sparky. What the hell have you got to be nervous about?
Franklin: Heat...he's... um….. that one guy…. That…..uh…..
Dail Pritchards: First off, Harvey...
Franklin: ...Franklin...
Dail Pritchards: ...whatever...you really oughta reconsider your favorite wrestler if you can't even recall criteria off the top of your head. This little woman and the rest of his prom dates that compile the would-be “competition” will get their collective asses whipped in less then a weeks time, when “The Damn Dirty Bastard” enters a WGWF ring for the first time. I understand that talk is cheap and the little girls in the back are going to expect me to “prove myself”, but a battle royal victory is inevitable. Hell everyone on the WGWF roster are just numbers on my hit list. These idiots might as well try to turn it into a war against myself if they want a snowballs chance in hell! You want a good favorite wrestler? Here! Take me... I'm the freakin’ meal ticket for 90% of this WGWF promotion, management included. I'm the one that kicks ass. I'm the one that will put the buy-rate behind ticket-sales, certain exceptions, which do not include wastes of roster space like Lazareth and New Smoke. I am Dastardly Dail Pritchards, The Dastardly Deed, the Crowned-Prince of Chaos, and once... just once... Miss Florence Culpepper of New Haven, Connecticut, but that was only for one night and I was drunk off my ever-lovin' ass.
Pritchards, DVD still in hand, for some odd reason, continues to browse the movies while Franklin stands with a confused look on his face.
Dail Pritchards: Who the heck are these people? Fire? Hardy? And who is this (spotting another dust collecting DVD) Shawn Ablaze ? A wrestler? He sounds like a Saturday Morning cartoon villain reject!
Dail tossed the DVD wildly back on the shelf in disgust before glancing at another.
Dail Pritchards: Hey! Here’s one I know. TY Streets! What’s the title of this one? “Girl Scouts Gone Wild?” HA!
He looks up at Franklin in dismay and quickly changes the subject.
Dail Pritchards: Do you like Chris Platinum?
Frankling: Well, sure! I watch him every time he’s on. He’s…..
Dail Pritchards: Pathedic? Yes I know. Total shmuck and about to be demoted from wrestler to that smelly stuff that sticks to my boot at the movie theater. What is all that Platinum crap anyway? Little pecker woods naming them self after a metal that they will never be able to afford with their pay check from their day job at Walmart! Or maybe is his trying to make himself sound as hard as metal? If he is looking for a name to describe himself shouldn’t he be calling himself Chris Feces?.
Dail continues to flip through the movies.
Dail Pritchards: I swear, Marty, you guys really oughta have this stuff in the comedy section, their names alone would draw better ratings than American Idol. I mean look at this; The Sentinel, Flame, Chronic Chris Page… HA! Or at least sell these movies as paper weights. (He finally notices something about the video he is holding.) Hey! Aren't these supposed to be previously-viewed?
Franklin: Yes, they ARE.
Dail Pritchards: Then why hasn't this (holds up the Pat Williams DVD) ever been opened. Hell, the sticker is still holding the box closed! (He notices the other movie) hey, none of these have been opened! What's the matter? No one interested in these characters? I don't suppose you have any of Halo’s flicks..."
Franklin: Halo? That’s not a movie, it’s a game. I can’t wait for Halo 3!
Dail Pritchards: No no no! Halo is a game but I am talking about a clithe piece of rip off trash who also goes by Halo! You know he’s aronther one of those old school hardcore losers: the kind of idiot that swings barbed wire chairs and puts people through a table on the outside of the ring…
Franklin: Oh... you mean Sabu?
Dail Pritchards: No! Sabu was at least entertaining to watch, this douche just tosses people into the ropes hard and does a played out spear.
Franklin: Rhyno?
Dail Pritchards: Damnit kid. NO, listen up, I'll give you a little history lesson. Back in the Glory Days, when people cheered for some chump just lifting an eyebrow, yours truly went through the wrestling world breaking bones and turning heads. Then comes Captain Cliché, spouting out the most trite crap I’ve ever heard, and he manages to snag an open spot of the WGWF Roster and then has the unfortunate luck of having to step into the ring with a real force to be reckoned with, a man who will take his little chair and shove it so far up his ass that he can floss with the barbed wire. Oddly enough, as trite as this walking punch line seems, the locker room is buzzing about his arrival. Jesus, if this brownie can turn head, then someone with REAL talent, your’s truly, will be running this federation in no time! And I guess the suits in the back are well aware of that! I haven’t been in the federation but two days and they sign me up in a debut match Battle Royal with 11 other schmucks who are nothing more than fragile blades of grass on my stomping ground!
Franklin: Oh THAAAAAT Halo......speaking of his movies...
Dail Pritchards: Yah, yah... I've heard enough from you. Shut your yap! While I’m stomping Sunday nights dinner out of these pint size half whit retards on Brawl, the rest of the locker room will be on the edges of there seats. Everyone of them will be watching in fear, knowing that perhaps, someday, after I finish making 11 other idiots air-born, I’m coming after them. Get my drift, Richard?
Franklin: About his movies….
Franklin motions for Dail Pritchards to turn around. Dail obliges him, and finds a cardboard box filled completely with $.99 Clearanced Halo VHS tapes. Dail looks up at the clerk puzzled.
Franklin: They just never sold. They won’t even make them in DVD’s.
Dail doesn't look particularly surprised by the fact presented. He starts to move towards to the exit.
Franklin: Wait, Mr. Pritchards, aren't you going to buy a movie?!
Dail Pritchards (Leaving the video on the counter, and just about out the door): Naw, I think I'll go down to Hollywood Video, maybe they've got better selection. And kid, a word of advice... get some help, or at least some better taste. See ya around, Robert.
Franklin: It's Frank...
But the clerk is cut off by the jingling of the bell rattling as the door swings to a close, Dail already through it and on the way to his car. Where he meet’s Delilah.
Delilah: I thought you were just going to buy something.
Dail Pritchards: Naw… all they had were a bunch of TY Streets and Chris Platinum movies.
Delilah: Who?