Post by d25 on Jan 30, 2010 17:40:26 GMT -5
Scene: Thorpe Park, Chertsey, Surrey, United Kingdom,
9:34 pm, January 30th 2010
The bushes near Nemesis Inferno
Nemesis Inferno is one of the UK’s top rollercoasters. It is Europe first inverted rollercoasters with interlocking corkscrews, as the internet will tell you. The shrubbery by the queuing area also makes for a pretty good hiding place if you are a hyped-up man of a nearly nonexistent IQ at night.
Kyle Kross, professional wrestler (well, that’s his job, but personality wise, many would say professional twat is a bit closer to the mark) is taking cover in the long grass and bushes. Usually, a man dressed in attire such as Kyle’s, tatty, ripped jeans, a T-Shirt with Pikachu on and a green, feathered cap, would stick out like a sore thumb – however, it is dark. There is partial coverage cover provided by the wilderness. And, Nemesis Inferno, like the rest of Thorpe Park, is, and has been, closed, for several hours now. The gate is locked – the only way in is to climb over the fence (or, if Kross, drunkenly stumble up, rip your trousers near the crotch on the wire, and fall).
Empty bottles surround Kyle. Beer? No! Even when seemingly drunk, Kyle is completely sober – just acting dumb. The bottles are of Coke and Fanta.
His clothes are dirty and stink of mud, and god knows what else Kross has been rolling around in. Currently, the Thorpe Park Security Staff team are mounting a full search for Kyle, after a string of ‘incidents’ across the park. Their search is about to get a lot easier though– Kross stands up, bored from hiding for so long, and decides it is time to play cat and mouse again.
Kyle Kross: X marks the spot, tossers!
Kyle hears the sprinting footsteps as the staff near enough to Nemesis Inferno to hear (and that is most of them; Thorpe Park is a big place, but Kross can heckle for England) run over. It has been a long, strenuous evening for them, so catching and punching Kyle in the face or crotch is a very good motive. However, despite rather stupidly letting the guards know of his position, Kyle is by no way doomed. What he seemingly lacks in brains, he make up for in speed. Kross sprints over to the wooden fence and climbs over. It is more of a sloppy vault, really. The fence isn’t terribly high, so Kyle pretty much jumps over it. From there, he starts to run full out.
Security 1: Hey, there he is!
Trouble. It seems that Kross had not previously spotted the guard lurking in a dark corner by Pizza Hut. The situation turns bad. Kyle manages to spot running and turn around, almost tripping, but the guard catches up with him and rugby tackles Kross to the floor. Kyle puts up a rather pathetic fight but it is no use, and the guard restrains Kyle until the other staff have arrived, including one of the park managers, who has been leading the hunt. He is a butch, grey-haired, but well built man. Not somebody that you would usually mess with. Kyle Kross, though, is a very unusual person.
Park Manager: We’ve had quite an evening, haven’t we, Mr Kross?
Captain Kross: How’d you know my name, scallywag?
Park Manager: I seem to remember you shouting ‘Nobody makes Captain Kyle Kross walk the plank, you geriatric douchebag!’ when I told you to leave earlier...Now, Kyle, you are in very serious trouble. This evening, you have—
Captain Kross: It’s Captain Kross to you, matey.
Park Manager: Well I’m not your mate! Do you know what I’ve been through tonight? The park closed and I was ready to go home, but then I get told there’s some guy not wanting to leave. I found you at the children’s beach making sandcastles. From there, my men and I chased you to the SAW ride, where you urinated over three rows of seats. You broke into the Fish and Chips shop and drew a huge penis with ketchup on the floor. Somehow you got your hands on some pop and hid behind a bin, then started throwing bottles at my head. We almost cornered you at the Log Flume – another ride you somehow broke into – only to find you sailing down the river on a food tray. I had to follow you – and got soaking wet – only to find you had disappeared into Nemesis Inferno. Now we are here. You are in some deep trouble, Kyle.
Captain Kross: It’s Captain Kross, tosser.
That tears it. The manager slaps Kyle across the face. Kyle slaps him back. One of the men from the security team, let’s call him Security 2, simply frustrated to the limit by Kyle’s antics, runs over and kicks Kross in the side, winding the currently self proclaimed ‘pirate’. The man then backs off, looking satisfied. Kyle wheezes. The park manager rolls Kyle onto his back and binds his wrists with rope (impromptu handcuffs, but they work well enough in this instance).
Unknown Man: Hey, lay off him!
The security team and park manager turn around to see Kyle’s accomplice Mick Harrolds stroll over, holding a mobile phone. He snaps the lid down and pockets it before grinning. Mick has several annoying traits about him. Not as many as Kyle, granted, and in very different ways. Kyle will insult you to your face; maybe egg your house, childish stuff. Mick operates on a higher level. He knows how to push all of your buttons until you find yourself wanting nothing more than to punch his lights out.
Park Manager: Who are you? Do you know this man?
Mick Harrolds: Mick Harrolds, and yes, I am a good accomplice of this man. And I believe that you are all in some serious trouble.
Security 2: Hey, it’s Mr. Kross that’s in trouble. I could’ve been at home with my wife and kids a few hours ago. Instead, I’ve spent my evening chasing this lunatic around the park. How the hell am I in serious trouble for simply doing my job?
Mick Harrolds: I’ll explain, sunshine.
Security 2: Sunshine! Who you calling sunshine?
Mick Harrolds: You. I thought that would be quite obvious, given the circumstance. Or perhaps you are of a lower than average intelligence quotation, my dim-witted friend? Well, friend in this case is being used in a rather metaphorical sense. Likewise, you probably wouldn’t understand how I used that word. I think that the job of theme park security guard would suit a person of your intellectual standing rather well, as—
This is a pretty great, yet average, example of a conversation with Mick Harrolds. In a good mood. In a bad one, he throws hot tea over you and calls your mother a whore before walking away to get on with more Mick Harrolds related business.
Park Manager: Please, just explain what is going on, or we’re going to call the police.
Mick Harrolds: The police! That would actually be quite beneficial for me. Please do. I imagine I could sue you for quite a few thousand pounds. Well, I say I, but Kyle would have to actually receive the money as he was the one physically abused. I could sue for verbal assault, perhaps, but that would be weak. Maybe I—
This is another good example of Mick Harrolds being Mick Harrolds. Note how he rarely answers direct questions, unless his answer can lead to an insulting lecture. Many people consider this to be one of Mick’s bad traits – but Mick enjoys it. He enjoys most things he does. That is why he does them.
Park Manager: Excuse me? We’ve spent all evening chasing Mr. Kross around the park and have only just caught him.
Harrolds gives the park manager an evil grin, a truly horrible grin. It says ‘I know, Kyle is annoying like that’, it says ‘That’s why I would never get a job as stupid as this’, but above all it says ‘I know, but I’m gonna pretend that I don’t so I can win’.
Mick Harrolds: Let me explain. Kyle and I were staying at a hotel not too far away. I don’t usually indulge in ridiculous activities such as ‘theme parks’ – sitting back and reading Malorie Blackman in a comfy leather chair is more to my liking – so Kyle went to the park alone. About half an hour ago, I received a phone call from Kyle, saying that he was lost in the park and strange people were chasing him. I came as soon as I could, and here we are.
Park Manager: Well, how are we in trouble for that? I don’t--
Mick Harrolds: Do you ever suddenly feel very creative and decide to let your artistic side passionately flow?
The security team and park manager all seem dumbfounded by that. They probably don’t have creative sides.
Mick Harrolds: I decided, what would be better than to make a montage of a theme park at night? So, I turned my camera on my phone on whilst looking for Kyle, turned a corner and boom, saw him getting slapped and then kicked! Unnecessary physical abuse. You already had Kyle restrained. I could make a nice profit if that footage got to the authorities.
Suddenly, the security team and park manager are speechless. Crapping themselves. Mick Harrolds is literally looking at half a dozen men, annoyed at him and stronger than he is, and grinning with joy. After a brief stutter, one of the security men starts to speak.
Security 3: But...he vandalised the park...
Mick Harrolds: Proof?
Security 3: The cameras would’ve caught it.
As security three says that, a shot of confidence is injected into the staff group. They all start to grin, like Harrolds, thinking it will all be OK.
Mick Harrolds: Actually, I think they’re off. The man running the cameras in the security booth is a good friend of mine, and I wanted some privacy – I’m a very shy person, you know—
Even the staff team, who have known Harrolds for less than five minutes, know that is a load of bull. Nonetheless, their confidence has been instantly sapped and they start to look concerned once again. All the while, Kyle Kross is wheezing on the floor.
Mick Harrolds: -- so the cameras were turned off. They’ll be switched back on as soon as I leave. Funny, that – you now have no evidence of what Kyle was supposedly, and I don’t believe for a second he actually was, doing. Now, about what happens next. I’m willing to not call the authorities and not show anyone this footage, if you let Kyle and I leave now...and of course, I want a small cash settlement.
The park manager looks incredibly annoyed, but there is nothing he can do. Reluctantly, he pulls a few notes of money out of his pocket and shoves them into Mick’s hand. Harrolds’ just smiles appreciatively and helps Kyle up.
Mick Harrolds: Night, gentlemen.
Harrolds and Kross turn, and head for the exit of the park. It had been a classic evening out for Mick and Kyle. This has been added to the list of ‘ones’ Kyle ‘owes’ Mick – the list now stands at seventy three. Once out of hearing and easy-to-see range, they grin and start to talk.
Kyle Kross: How did you know I’d be in trouble – I never called you?
Mick Harrolds: Instinct. I know you only too well, Kyle. And I was wondering why you weren’t back. Seriously, what the hell happened?
Kyle Kross: Hey, I got bored! This is what happens when you don’t come with me. I need attention. I need nurturing. I’m a weak spirit. I’m an unloved being. I’m a meagre existence. I’m –
Mick Harrolds: An idiot.
Kyle Kross: How did you know to turn your phone camera on?
Mick Harrolds: I didn’t. I lied. They were too nervous to check. I was trying to ring you and see where the hell you were. It was blind luck, really.
Kyle Kross: So how long did it take to map out that speech?
Mick Harrolds: I did it on the fly.
Kyle Kross: And what about the security cameras?
Mick Harrolds: Bribed the bored guy in the booth with some cash. I gave him twenty quid. But I just counted the money the park manager gave me – fifty. Forty pound profit for not doing anything, really. Sweet.
Kyle Kross: And do I get a cut? You know, if I hadn’t been beaten up, you wouldn’t have made anything.
Mick Harrolds: If you hadn’t been such an idiot, I would’ve been able to stay in the hotel reading Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman.
Kyle Kross: For the millionth time...Anyway, I’m sorry! I guess I got a little bit hyper on all of that tango...and Fanta...and Coke...and Pepsi...and that coffee I had earlier. Too much caffeine. Anyway, I had reason to celebrate. Remember, we have officially been signed to contracts by the WGWF! That’s AWESOME!
Mick Harrolds: Yes, it is. But why couldn’t you be normal and celebrate with some cake or something? Anyway, you do know caffeine is a drug?
Kyle Kross: Yeah, but not a proper one like cocaine or spliff or anything. Like, it won’t make you die. Thought I get the impression the security guards wanted to kill me – and we won’t be back to Thorpe Park any time soon...
[/i][/color]9:34 pm, January 30th 2010
The bushes near Nemesis Inferno
Nemesis Inferno is one of the UK’s top rollercoasters. It is Europe first inverted rollercoasters with interlocking corkscrews, as the internet will tell you. The shrubbery by the queuing area also makes for a pretty good hiding place if you are a hyped-up man of a nearly nonexistent IQ at night.
Kyle Kross, professional wrestler (well, that’s his job, but personality wise, many would say professional twat is a bit closer to the mark) is taking cover in the long grass and bushes. Usually, a man dressed in attire such as Kyle’s, tatty, ripped jeans, a T-Shirt with Pikachu on and a green, feathered cap, would stick out like a sore thumb – however, it is dark. There is partial coverage cover provided by the wilderness. And, Nemesis Inferno, like the rest of Thorpe Park, is, and has been, closed, for several hours now. The gate is locked – the only way in is to climb over the fence (or, if Kross, drunkenly stumble up, rip your trousers near the crotch on the wire, and fall).
Empty bottles surround Kyle. Beer? No! Even when seemingly drunk, Kyle is completely sober – just acting dumb. The bottles are of Coke and Fanta.
His clothes are dirty and stink of mud, and god knows what else Kross has been rolling around in. Currently, the Thorpe Park Security Staff team are mounting a full search for Kyle, after a string of ‘incidents’ across the park. Their search is about to get a lot easier though– Kross stands up, bored from hiding for so long, and decides it is time to play cat and mouse again.
Kyle Kross: X marks the spot, tossers!
Kyle hears the sprinting footsteps as the staff near enough to Nemesis Inferno to hear (and that is most of them; Thorpe Park is a big place, but Kross can heckle for England) run over. It has been a long, strenuous evening for them, so catching and punching Kyle in the face or crotch is a very good motive. However, despite rather stupidly letting the guards know of his position, Kyle is by no way doomed. What he seemingly lacks in brains, he make up for in speed. Kross sprints over to the wooden fence and climbs over. It is more of a sloppy vault, really. The fence isn’t terribly high, so Kyle pretty much jumps over it. From there, he starts to run full out.
Security 1: Hey, there he is!
Trouble. It seems that Kross had not previously spotted the guard lurking in a dark corner by Pizza Hut. The situation turns bad. Kyle manages to spot running and turn around, almost tripping, but the guard catches up with him and rugby tackles Kross to the floor. Kyle puts up a rather pathetic fight but it is no use, and the guard restrains Kyle until the other staff have arrived, including one of the park managers, who has been leading the hunt. He is a butch, grey-haired, but well built man. Not somebody that you would usually mess with. Kyle Kross, though, is a very unusual person.
Park Manager: We’ve had quite an evening, haven’t we, Mr Kross?
Captain Kross: How’d you know my name, scallywag?
Park Manager: I seem to remember you shouting ‘Nobody makes Captain Kyle Kross walk the plank, you geriatric douchebag!’ when I told you to leave earlier...Now, Kyle, you are in very serious trouble. This evening, you have—
Captain Kross: It’s Captain Kross to you, matey.
Park Manager: Well I’m not your mate! Do you know what I’ve been through tonight? The park closed and I was ready to go home, but then I get told there’s some guy not wanting to leave. I found you at the children’s beach making sandcastles. From there, my men and I chased you to the SAW ride, where you urinated over three rows of seats. You broke into the Fish and Chips shop and drew a huge penis with ketchup on the floor. Somehow you got your hands on some pop and hid behind a bin, then started throwing bottles at my head. We almost cornered you at the Log Flume – another ride you somehow broke into – only to find you sailing down the river on a food tray. I had to follow you – and got soaking wet – only to find you had disappeared into Nemesis Inferno. Now we are here. You are in some deep trouble, Kyle.
Captain Kross: It’s Captain Kross, tosser.
That tears it. The manager slaps Kyle across the face. Kyle slaps him back. One of the men from the security team, let’s call him Security 2, simply frustrated to the limit by Kyle’s antics, runs over and kicks Kross in the side, winding the currently self proclaimed ‘pirate’. The man then backs off, looking satisfied. Kyle wheezes. The park manager rolls Kyle onto his back and binds his wrists with rope (impromptu handcuffs, but they work well enough in this instance).
Unknown Man: Hey, lay off him!
The security team and park manager turn around to see Kyle’s accomplice Mick Harrolds stroll over, holding a mobile phone. He snaps the lid down and pockets it before grinning. Mick has several annoying traits about him. Not as many as Kyle, granted, and in very different ways. Kyle will insult you to your face; maybe egg your house, childish stuff. Mick operates on a higher level. He knows how to push all of your buttons until you find yourself wanting nothing more than to punch his lights out.
Park Manager: Who are you? Do you know this man?
Mick Harrolds: Mick Harrolds, and yes, I am a good accomplice of this man. And I believe that you are all in some serious trouble.
Security 2: Hey, it’s Mr. Kross that’s in trouble. I could’ve been at home with my wife and kids a few hours ago. Instead, I’ve spent my evening chasing this lunatic around the park. How the hell am I in serious trouble for simply doing my job?
Mick Harrolds: I’ll explain, sunshine.
Security 2: Sunshine! Who you calling sunshine?
Mick Harrolds: You. I thought that would be quite obvious, given the circumstance. Or perhaps you are of a lower than average intelligence quotation, my dim-witted friend? Well, friend in this case is being used in a rather metaphorical sense. Likewise, you probably wouldn’t understand how I used that word. I think that the job of theme park security guard would suit a person of your intellectual standing rather well, as—
This is a pretty great, yet average, example of a conversation with Mick Harrolds. In a good mood. In a bad one, he throws hot tea over you and calls your mother a whore before walking away to get on with more Mick Harrolds related business.
Park Manager: Please, just explain what is going on, or we’re going to call the police.
Mick Harrolds: The police! That would actually be quite beneficial for me. Please do. I imagine I could sue you for quite a few thousand pounds. Well, I say I, but Kyle would have to actually receive the money as he was the one physically abused. I could sue for verbal assault, perhaps, but that would be weak. Maybe I—
This is another good example of Mick Harrolds being Mick Harrolds. Note how he rarely answers direct questions, unless his answer can lead to an insulting lecture. Many people consider this to be one of Mick’s bad traits – but Mick enjoys it. He enjoys most things he does. That is why he does them.
Park Manager: Excuse me? We’ve spent all evening chasing Mr. Kross around the park and have only just caught him.
Harrolds gives the park manager an evil grin, a truly horrible grin. It says ‘I know, Kyle is annoying like that’, it says ‘That’s why I would never get a job as stupid as this’, but above all it says ‘I know, but I’m gonna pretend that I don’t so I can win’.
Mick Harrolds: Let me explain. Kyle and I were staying at a hotel not too far away. I don’t usually indulge in ridiculous activities such as ‘theme parks’ – sitting back and reading Malorie Blackman in a comfy leather chair is more to my liking – so Kyle went to the park alone. About half an hour ago, I received a phone call from Kyle, saying that he was lost in the park and strange people were chasing him. I came as soon as I could, and here we are.
Park Manager: Well, how are we in trouble for that? I don’t--
Mick Harrolds: Do you ever suddenly feel very creative and decide to let your artistic side passionately flow?
The security team and park manager all seem dumbfounded by that. They probably don’t have creative sides.
Mick Harrolds: I decided, what would be better than to make a montage of a theme park at night? So, I turned my camera on my phone on whilst looking for Kyle, turned a corner and boom, saw him getting slapped and then kicked! Unnecessary physical abuse. You already had Kyle restrained. I could make a nice profit if that footage got to the authorities.
Suddenly, the security team and park manager are speechless. Crapping themselves. Mick Harrolds is literally looking at half a dozen men, annoyed at him and stronger than he is, and grinning with joy. After a brief stutter, one of the security men starts to speak.
Security 3: But...he vandalised the park...
Mick Harrolds: Proof?
Security 3: The cameras would’ve caught it.
As security three says that, a shot of confidence is injected into the staff group. They all start to grin, like Harrolds, thinking it will all be OK.
Mick Harrolds: Actually, I think they’re off. The man running the cameras in the security booth is a good friend of mine, and I wanted some privacy – I’m a very shy person, you know—
Even the staff team, who have known Harrolds for less than five minutes, know that is a load of bull. Nonetheless, their confidence has been instantly sapped and they start to look concerned once again. All the while, Kyle Kross is wheezing on the floor.
Mick Harrolds: -- so the cameras were turned off. They’ll be switched back on as soon as I leave. Funny, that – you now have no evidence of what Kyle was supposedly, and I don’t believe for a second he actually was, doing. Now, about what happens next. I’m willing to not call the authorities and not show anyone this footage, if you let Kyle and I leave now...and of course, I want a small cash settlement.
The park manager looks incredibly annoyed, but there is nothing he can do. Reluctantly, he pulls a few notes of money out of his pocket and shoves them into Mick’s hand. Harrolds’ just smiles appreciatively and helps Kyle up.
Mick Harrolds: Night, gentlemen.
Harrolds and Kross turn, and head for the exit of the park. It had been a classic evening out for Mick and Kyle. This has been added to the list of ‘ones’ Kyle ‘owes’ Mick – the list now stands at seventy three. Once out of hearing and easy-to-see range, they grin and start to talk.
Kyle Kross: How did you know I’d be in trouble – I never called you?
Mick Harrolds: Instinct. I know you only too well, Kyle. And I was wondering why you weren’t back. Seriously, what the hell happened?
Kyle Kross: Hey, I got bored! This is what happens when you don’t come with me. I need attention. I need nurturing. I’m a weak spirit. I’m an unloved being. I’m a meagre existence. I’m –
Mick Harrolds: An idiot.
Kyle Kross: How did you know to turn your phone camera on?
Mick Harrolds: I didn’t. I lied. They were too nervous to check. I was trying to ring you and see where the hell you were. It was blind luck, really.
Kyle Kross: So how long did it take to map out that speech?
Mick Harrolds: I did it on the fly.
Kyle Kross: And what about the security cameras?
Mick Harrolds: Bribed the bored guy in the booth with some cash. I gave him twenty quid. But I just counted the money the park manager gave me – fifty. Forty pound profit for not doing anything, really. Sweet.
Kyle Kross: And do I get a cut? You know, if I hadn’t been beaten up, you wouldn’t have made anything.
Mick Harrolds: If you hadn’t been such an idiot, I would’ve been able to stay in the hotel reading Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman.
Kyle Kross: For the millionth time...Anyway, I’m sorry! I guess I got a little bit hyper on all of that tango...and Fanta...and Coke...and Pepsi...and that coffee I had earlier. Too much caffeine. Anyway, I had reason to celebrate. Remember, we have officially been signed to contracts by the WGWF! That’s AWESOME!
Mick Harrolds: Yes, it is. But why couldn’t you be normal and celebrate with some cake or something? Anyway, you do know caffeine is a drug?
Kyle Kross: Yeah, but not a proper one like cocaine or spliff or anything. Like, it won’t make you die. Thought I get the impression the security guards wanted to kill me – and we won’t be back to Thorpe Park any time soon...