Post by Bobby Ray Willis on Jan 7, 2024 0:04:47 GMT -5
Bobby Ray’s hand splashes about haphazardly in a nearly overflowing sink.
Sure his face is hidden as it rests up against the sink, but his hair is unmistakable. Somewhere from the distance the vocal stylings of Frank SInatra can be heard.
Bobby Ray lifts his head up from the sink, and soon it becomes apparent that he’s smeared blue and white clown paint across his face and is even wearing a big red rubber nose. He’s not a happy clown, he’s a tragic looking one and slowly he lifts his other hand and takes a long drag from the end of a cigarette.
Oh, and let the WGWF censors be warned, he’s probably naked outside of the bowtie he’s wearing. The song fades from the background as he finishes off the rest of his cigarette and turns towards the camera. This doesn’t sound like the normal Bobby Ray, rather a dejected man from East Texas.
BRW: “I know what you’re thinking… how cliché could you possibly be, isn’t everyone going the evil clown route these days? And honestly, I think you’re probably right. I think everyone’s giving this make-up thing a try. But in my search for a little extra juice I’m willing to try just about anything at this point.
And this seemed just so… easy. Just a push of a button and some make-up and poof there’s an evil clown in front of you. So edgy. What do you think, Coop?”
It appears that he’s been talking to his manager, Cooper Pardon, this whole time. Cooper stands there with a horrified look on his face, and as the camera switches back just as Bobby Ray stands up. Sure enough, he’s wearing just that bowtie and a pair of chaps. The make-up is smeared down the front of his chest where it mixes with sponge cake and some sort of green jello. The rest has been blurred by those pesky WGWF censors.
A smile grows across his face and his tone begins to change.
BRW: “Come on Cooper! You can join the rest of us clowns… all you have to do is hit the easy button. It’s still sitting right there in the middle of the table where you left it, just go out there and press your finger down on the damn thing already.
Do it.
You know you want to, Coop.”
Cooper shakes his head, his face sweating profusely at this point. Bobby Ray is almost cartoonish in his mocking tone at this point.
BRW: “Think about it, you and me together as a couple of clowns. We could do the old switch-a-roo against Jenny Myst and nobody would ever notice, while she’s pressing that easy button and trying to get some crazy stipulation against us we change places and when she’s least expecting it. Bam!! New TV champion right there. You could get your revenge for her putting you through a table and spraying that tear gas in your eyes. Wouldn’t that be great, Coop?
All you’ve got to do is wake up and push that button.
Easy!”
Coop’s face is still sweating way too much for it to be healthy, but reluctantly he does nod his head yes and looks to turn around from Bobby Ray. But, not quite yet. Because Bobby Ray’s got one more surprise before Coop wakes up.
BRW: “Oh, and one more thing that’s great about being a clown. You can make balloon animals out of anything.
Look!”
Thankfully, that whole part between the leather chaps is blurred by the WGWF censors. But, Coop screams loudly at the top of his lungs, he screams so loud that he wakes himself up screaming.
And sure enough still sitting in the middle of the table is the Easy button that was there the last time we saw Coop. Coop is drenched in sweat and he has some dust and lint from the floor stuck to his face. He looks confused at first, but then the realization that it was all a dream finally sets in and relief comes to his face.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the trailer.
It’s just Bobby Ray.
No clown make-up, no bowtie. Just the man himself.
BRW: “As far back as I can remember, I’ve had people who have doubted me.
My teachers in elementary school doubted my ability to add a few numbers together and placed me in those special classes, but I showed them when I slipped off my shoes and socks and used my toes to count. My coaches doubted my ability to continue to run through the blocks after a couple of shots to the head, but who was the one who carried that ball to glory? Me. My parents doubted that I would ever graduate from high school, but I did in only five years.
My doctors doubted that I should ever play football or any contact sport again, but I showed them too. I found a new way to tackle people and get paid for it in my second love, professional wrestling. And only in a few years out of training, here I am at what I am told is the biggest professional wrestling federation in all the world. But I still have my doubters, oh yeah, people in the WGWF locker room continue to doubt me… a former champion like Peter Vaughn wants to doubt my ability to stand in the ring with him and Jenny Myst wants to doubt that I could ever possibly take that TV title off of her waist?
Come on, you’re just fueling a fire that I’ve been trying to control for my entire life. Don’t you worry Pete, one day you and I will square off in the ring and I’ll show you that with only a handful of matches under my belt, I’m still far ahead of you. I’ll run so many circles around you, whatever Hall of Fame you’re in will take down your portrait out of shame. But for now, you can worry about facing a world beating talent like CJ Phoenix instead of me. I’m sure a victory over that real homerun hitter will get you right back to the top, champ…”
Bobby Ray makes a handjob motion to that thought. A slow jerk, the proper way.
BRW: “And now we get to the First Dance and my big opportunity that I earned fair and square. I only care about that TV title, Jenny, to be honest. You? I’ve seen plenty of people able to pull off your schtick much better than you’re ripping off right now. You haven’t really made much of an impression on me. manager? Sure. Me? Nah. Maybe after I take that burden of being TV champion away from you, you can go away, search around a bit and find something original to bring to the table. I mean an Easy Button match? You had all the possibilities at your fingertips and you went with this idea?
…cool.
I’ve never been good at rolling my eyes. Was it noticeable or should I try even harder? Now, like I said in the middle of the ring even when I was completely blinded I still nearly loaded this left hand. Now that I think about it, it was probably the fact that you’re only five feet tall that threw me off by mere inches. At the advice of my manager, I’ve been practicing my aim… on midgets. Or whatever they like to be called, and I’m ready to say that the next one is going to hit its target the next time.
The WGWF audience is sick of clown porn and soon your reign is going to come to an end. As your next TV champion I will make it my personal responsibility to clear the airwaves of any such nonsense. Consider this a countdown to our dance that they’re going to remember for a long time to come, Jenny. I’m going to rip your little fairy wings off, clean off the clown make-up, shit in the sponge cake, piss in the green punch and most importantly?
When our dance is finally done, I’m going to bring an end to what has been an absolutely mid TV title reign.
And that? That will be easy.”
Bobby Ray pauses and for the first time it seems as if he wasn’t actually talking to just the camera, rather as the camera pushes it catches the fact that he’s been standing a few feet away from a topless Doll E. Pardon. No need for censorship, since only her back is being seen at this point and even the WGWF censors aren’t that f#!$ing lame. Wait.
DOLL E: “How long have you been working on that speech, Bobby?”
Bobby Ray looks down.
BRW: “Looks like maybe too long.”
DOLL E: “Do you need another twenty minutes in the Eastwood-atorium? Perhaps I could apply some more baby oil or maybe I should get the Easy button before Coop wakes up.”
Bobby Ray thinks about it for a moment.
BRW: “No, no way. I’m not taking the easy way for this one. I wouldn’t want to give any of the doubters more fuel to use against me. We’ll do it the old fashioned way, by thinking about that TV title around my waist and thinking about screaming from the rooftops ‘look at me now’! I’ll soon show everyone who has ever doubted me, from my kindergarten teachers to everyone in the WGWF locker room. Hell, I’ll also show what WGWF censors who’s boss.
But first, let’s motorboat those amazing tits of yours.
Though it feels like I might need a little extra juice, though.”
Bobby Ray reaches down off of camera and when his hands return, they are both holding a pair of wires with clamps. Those wires are linked to a car battery, Bobby Ray looks a little nervous, but there is plenty of encouragement from Doll E.
BRW: “Just let me know if my nipples start smoking.”
WIth that, Bobby Ray attaches both of the clamps and everything suddenly goes black.
Bobby Ray wakes up with a jerk of his head.
He is sitting in a chair, wearing a hospital gown in a dark room that feels like something you’d might see from Dr. Strangelove. Sitting across from him is a panel of five people, all of them dressed in white and wearing dark colored masks. Still a little groggy, Bobby Ray looks up at them with a confused look.
BRW: “Did I forget my insurance card again?”
The five masked people look at each other, and then back at Bobby Ray. The center one speaks.
UNKNOWN: “While you are currently in the hospital, Bobby D. Willis for hooking a car battery up to your nipples. Am I allowed to say nipples?”
The center person looks at each other person sitting there, to which three give a thumbs up to and one gives a thumbs down to. The person in the center nods.
UNKNOWN: “Bobby D. Willis, you have been brought in your unconscious state before the Council of WGWF censors. These are the very men and women that you have declared war on each time you have decided to walk around in the nude. Which has been a lot. In this brief time that we have, we have decided to inform you that we will be doing everything within our power to make sure that you will never win that TV title. You will not sully WGWF programming with your… your… continuous exposure, Bobby D.”
BRW: “I’m not Bobby D. I'm Bobby Ray.”
The council member wags his finger in Bobby’s direction.
UNKNOWN: “That does not matter to us! Let this be a warning to you, we are in control and if you continue, you will suffer even more.
And no more balloon animal penis scenes!”
We fade to static.
Sure his face is hidden as it rests up against the sink, but his hair is unmistakable. Somewhere from the distance the vocal stylings of Frank SInatra can be heard.
# Isn't it rich, are we a pair
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air #
Me here at last on the ground, you in mid-air #
Bobby Ray lifts his head up from the sink, and soon it becomes apparent that he’s smeared blue and white clown paint across his face and is even wearing a big red rubber nose. He’s not a happy clown, he’s a tragic looking one and slowly he lifts his other hand and takes a long drag from the end of a cigarette.
# Send in the clowns… #
Oh, and let the WGWF censors be warned, he’s probably naked outside of the bowtie he’s wearing. The song fades from the background as he finishes off the rest of his cigarette and turns towards the camera. This doesn’t sound like the normal Bobby Ray, rather a dejected man from East Texas.
BRW: “I know what you’re thinking… how cliché could you possibly be, isn’t everyone going the evil clown route these days? And honestly, I think you’re probably right. I think everyone’s giving this make-up thing a try. But in my search for a little extra juice I’m willing to try just about anything at this point.
And this seemed just so… easy. Just a push of a button and some make-up and poof there’s an evil clown in front of you. So edgy. What do you think, Coop?”
It appears that he’s been talking to his manager, Cooper Pardon, this whole time. Cooper stands there with a horrified look on his face, and as the camera switches back just as Bobby Ray stands up. Sure enough, he’s wearing just that bowtie and a pair of chaps. The make-up is smeared down the front of his chest where it mixes with sponge cake and some sort of green jello. The rest has been blurred by those pesky WGWF censors.
A smile grows across his face and his tone begins to change.
BRW: “Come on Cooper! You can join the rest of us clowns… all you have to do is hit the easy button. It’s still sitting right there in the middle of the table where you left it, just go out there and press your finger down on the damn thing already.
Do it.
You know you want to, Coop.”
Cooper shakes his head, his face sweating profusely at this point. Bobby Ray is almost cartoonish in his mocking tone at this point.
BRW: “Think about it, you and me together as a couple of clowns. We could do the old switch-a-roo against Jenny Myst and nobody would ever notice, while she’s pressing that easy button and trying to get some crazy stipulation against us we change places and when she’s least expecting it. Bam!! New TV champion right there. You could get your revenge for her putting you through a table and spraying that tear gas in your eyes. Wouldn’t that be great, Coop?
All you’ve got to do is wake up and push that button.
Easy!”
Coop’s face is still sweating way too much for it to be healthy, but reluctantly he does nod his head yes and looks to turn around from Bobby Ray. But, not quite yet. Because Bobby Ray’s got one more surprise before Coop wakes up.
BRW: “Oh, and one more thing that’s great about being a clown. You can make balloon animals out of anything.
Look!”
Thankfully, that whole part between the leather chaps is blurred by the WGWF censors. But, Coop screams loudly at the top of his lungs, he screams so loud that he wakes himself up screaming.
And sure enough still sitting in the middle of the table is the Easy button that was there the last time we saw Coop. Coop is drenched in sweat and he has some dust and lint from the floor stuck to his face. He looks confused at first, but then the realization that it was all a dream finally sets in and relief comes to his face.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the trailer.
It’s just Bobby Ray.
No clown make-up, no bowtie. Just the man himself.
BRW: “As far back as I can remember, I’ve had people who have doubted me.
My teachers in elementary school doubted my ability to add a few numbers together and placed me in those special classes, but I showed them when I slipped off my shoes and socks and used my toes to count. My coaches doubted my ability to continue to run through the blocks after a couple of shots to the head, but who was the one who carried that ball to glory? Me. My parents doubted that I would ever graduate from high school, but I did in only five years.
My doctors doubted that I should ever play football or any contact sport again, but I showed them too. I found a new way to tackle people and get paid for it in my second love, professional wrestling. And only in a few years out of training, here I am at what I am told is the biggest professional wrestling federation in all the world. But I still have my doubters, oh yeah, people in the WGWF locker room continue to doubt me… a former champion like Peter Vaughn wants to doubt my ability to stand in the ring with him and Jenny Myst wants to doubt that I could ever possibly take that TV title off of her waist?
Come on, you’re just fueling a fire that I’ve been trying to control for my entire life. Don’t you worry Pete, one day you and I will square off in the ring and I’ll show you that with only a handful of matches under my belt, I’m still far ahead of you. I’ll run so many circles around you, whatever Hall of Fame you’re in will take down your portrait out of shame. But for now, you can worry about facing a world beating talent like CJ Phoenix instead of me. I’m sure a victory over that real homerun hitter will get you right back to the top, champ…”
Bobby Ray makes a handjob motion to that thought. A slow jerk, the proper way.
BRW: “And now we get to the First Dance and my big opportunity that I earned fair and square. I only care about that TV title, Jenny, to be honest. You? I’ve seen plenty of people able to pull off your schtick much better than you’re ripping off right now. You haven’t really made much of an impression on me. manager? Sure. Me? Nah. Maybe after I take that burden of being TV champion away from you, you can go away, search around a bit and find something original to bring to the table. I mean an Easy Button match? You had all the possibilities at your fingertips and you went with this idea?
…cool.
I’ve never been good at rolling my eyes. Was it noticeable or should I try even harder? Now, like I said in the middle of the ring even when I was completely blinded I still nearly loaded this left hand. Now that I think about it, it was probably the fact that you’re only five feet tall that threw me off by mere inches. At the advice of my manager, I’ve been practicing my aim… on midgets. Or whatever they like to be called, and I’m ready to say that the next one is going to hit its target the next time.
The WGWF audience is sick of clown porn and soon your reign is going to come to an end. As your next TV champion I will make it my personal responsibility to clear the airwaves of any such nonsense. Consider this a countdown to our dance that they’re going to remember for a long time to come, Jenny. I’m going to rip your little fairy wings off, clean off the clown make-up, shit in the sponge cake, piss in the green punch and most importantly?
When our dance is finally done, I’m going to bring an end to what has been an absolutely mid TV title reign.
And that? That will be easy.”
Bobby Ray pauses and for the first time it seems as if he wasn’t actually talking to just the camera, rather as the camera pushes it catches the fact that he’s been standing a few feet away from a topless Doll E. Pardon. No need for censorship, since only her back is being seen at this point and even the WGWF censors aren’t that f#!$ing lame. Wait.
DOLL E: “How long have you been working on that speech, Bobby?”
Bobby Ray looks down.
BRW: “Looks like maybe too long.”
DOLL E: “Do you need another twenty minutes in the Eastwood-atorium? Perhaps I could apply some more baby oil or maybe I should get the Easy button before Coop wakes up.”
Bobby Ray thinks about it for a moment.
BRW: “No, no way. I’m not taking the easy way for this one. I wouldn’t want to give any of the doubters more fuel to use against me. We’ll do it the old fashioned way, by thinking about that TV title around my waist and thinking about screaming from the rooftops ‘look at me now’! I’ll soon show everyone who has ever doubted me, from my kindergarten teachers to everyone in the WGWF locker room. Hell, I’ll also show what WGWF censors who’s boss.
But first, let’s motorboat those amazing tits of yours.
Though it feels like I might need a little extra juice, though.”
Bobby Ray reaches down off of camera and when his hands return, they are both holding a pair of wires with clamps. Those wires are linked to a car battery, Bobby Ray looks a little nervous, but there is plenty of encouragement from Doll E.
BRW: “Just let me know if my nipples start smoking.”
WIth that, Bobby Ray attaches both of the clamps and everything suddenly goes black.
Bobby Ray wakes up with a jerk of his head.
He is sitting in a chair, wearing a hospital gown in a dark room that feels like something you’d might see from Dr. Strangelove. Sitting across from him is a panel of five people, all of them dressed in white and wearing dark colored masks. Still a little groggy, Bobby Ray looks up at them with a confused look.
BRW: “Did I forget my insurance card again?”
The five masked people look at each other, and then back at Bobby Ray. The center one speaks.
UNKNOWN: “While you are currently in the hospital, Bobby D. Willis for hooking a car battery up to your nipples. Am I allowed to say nipples?”
The center person looks at each other person sitting there, to which three give a thumbs up to and one gives a thumbs down to. The person in the center nods.
UNKNOWN: “Bobby D. Willis, you have been brought in your unconscious state before the Council of WGWF censors. These are the very men and women that you have declared war on each time you have decided to walk around in the nude. Which has been a lot. In this brief time that we have, we have decided to inform you that we will be doing everything within our power to make sure that you will never win that TV title. You will not sully WGWF programming with your… your… continuous exposure, Bobby D.”
BRW: “I’m not Bobby D. I'm Bobby Ray.”
The council member wags his finger in Bobby’s direction.
UNKNOWN: “That does not matter to us! Let this be a warning to you, we are in control and if you continue, you will suffer even more.
And no more balloon animal penis scenes!”
We fade to static.