Post by Buster Gloves on Jan 2, 2023 9:47:14 GMT -5
ot
CCPE Arena @ The Velvet Rabbit Las Vegas
&
Play-by-Play Color Commentary
And now, the WGWF Presents… West Coast Rumble DARK (Kickoff Show).
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WAFFLE HOUSE AND VIEWERS LIKE YOU.]
SAUCE BOSS: The reign of a world heavyweight champion officially begins tonight. Welcome to the DARKEST kickoff show in professional wrestling. More than 20,000 fans are piling into the CCPE Arena, home of the World’s Greatest Wrestling Federation. This building will be rocking in just a couple of hours. Welcome to the kickoff show. I am the bossiest of sauces. The sauciest of bosses. There are some who call me… Tim. It’s your boy, The Sauce Boss.
Over the next hour, we’re getting you set for a night that will change lives forever. It’s not just about the 20 men and women in the West Coast Rumble Match, we have a full card of matches tonight. We will get to that later, but first, let’s get to know my co-host for the evening.
You know her as The Soda Pop Princess. The Queen of Bong Style. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, BACK to the announcers’ table, Miss… Cherry… Cola.
CHERRY COLA: WEST Coast is the BEST coast! Let’s go Saucey, my body is ready for this. I don’t know if I’m on too many drugs or not enough right now, but my tits are so jacked for this pay-per-view.
SAUCE BOSS: You do seem a little extra tonight. And I think we’re all looking forward to a little cherry flavoring in the drink. Let’s talk about this historic match tonight… The West Coast Rumble. Neither of us drew a number to participate tonight, but we hope that the viewers at home make this the number one show on television.
CHERRY COLA: I have no idea who wins this thing, but spidey-sense is telling me that soon we will know who are the aces and who are the deuces.
SAUCE BOSS: Cherry, have you ever been in a rumble match before? Do you have any idea what the mindset is?
CHERRY COLA: You’re kidding. I’m still figuring out the rules of wrestling. My mind is set on getting white-girl wasted tonight. Why don’t you just tell us who’s supposed to win, Smart Ass? I have a feeling you prepared an answer in advance.
SAUCE BOSS: It’s the old adage, everybody has a plan until you get kicked in the nuts. You never know what will happen in a rumble. If it were me, I’d stay as low as I could, avoid the ropes, don’t go crazy. If you can keep your center of gravity low, you have a chance of staying around until the end.
CHERRY COLA: If it were ME in the rumble, I’d look at who’s in the ring with me, try to make an alliance, offer them a fiver and a squeezer, then stab the guy in the back after he’s done all the heavy lifting.
SAUCE BOSS: There will be plenty of strategies tonight, including some unsavory ones, but there is only one place where you can watch all of tonight’s action. We keep it DARK on ESPN the Ocho, but for one night only, for tonight’s event, the West Coast Rumble goes live on the FITE App.
CHERRY COLA: Sell me harder, Daddy.
SAUCE BOSS: Let’s talk about what we should expect to see tonight. A 20-Man Rumble Match. We start with two. Entrant number one and two are unknown… and unlucky. We get another athlete added to the match every couple minutes. Some stories begin tonight. Some come to an end. 19 wrestlers leave the ring over the top rope. And in the end, the winner of the match leaves the arena as the first WGWF World Heavyweight Champion.
CHERRY COLA: And a sad lap dance from the Cherry Bomb.
SAUCE BOSS: …not required.
CHERRY COLA: Come on, Sauce. I need that championship drip to rub off on me. And I can rub with the best of them.
SAUCE BOSS: Fantastic. Let’s cut to a commercial.
Available on every console ever made (and PC) NOW!!!
SAUCE BOSS: Welcome back to Las Vegas, Nevada. The weather forecast is calling for clear skies with a 100 percent chance of a rumble!. There was some confusion during the commercial break, so let me clarify. The winner of tonight’s West Coast Rumble DOES NOT have to make physical contact with Cherry Cola…
CHERRY COLA: …but they can if they want to.
SAUCE BOSS: Who are you rooting for in the match?
CHERRY COLA: Well… if I had to pick one person… it would be…. J Mont. He’s my childhood hero.
SAUCE BOSS: How is that possible? He’s not that much older than you.
CHERRY COLA: That’s actually a really good point. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s dreamy. I want a slice of that cake. Who’s your pick, Dad?
SAUCE BOSS: On Paper, I think you have to go with Peter Vaughn. He’s won every championship in the universe this year and seems to be able to win anything he wants.
CHERRY COLA: But… he’s creepy looking.
SAUCE BOSS: Creepiness does not factor into my decision. Four-Pete becomes Five-Pete tonight. That’s my pick.
CHERRY COLA: Well, it sucks.
SAUCE BOSS: Agree to disagree. Let’s switch gears. There are 3 mystery wrestlers in the match. Who do you think they are?
CHERRY COLA: It would probably be easier for me to tell you who I hope it isn’t. I hope it ain’t some flippy bitches with some stupid color hair.
SAUCE BOSS: What’s your deal with the hair? Every night you freak out about hair color.
CHERRY COLA: It’s a long story.
SAUCE BOSS: Well, we have an hour with literally nothing to talk about and no matches.
CHERRY COLA: It’s nothing. It’s fine.
SAUCE BOSS: It’s not nothing. You went all Kanye over the redhead jobber on DARK. You freaked out over Zara Ivory and her green hair. I fear what happens when someone with blue hair enters the ring.
CHERRY COLA: No! That cannot happen. That will not happen. Look I’ll tell you once and then you have to let it go.
SAUCE BOSS: Cross my heart. It’s just between you and me. I swear.
CHERRY COLA: Fine. There was a time, when yours truly was a tonsorial artist.
SAUCE BOSS: I don’t know what that is.
CHERRY COLA: Privileged trust fund activists would spend their parent’s money in my hair salon and dye their hair every unnatural color of the rainbow.
SAUCE BOSS: You were a hairdresser?
CHERRY COLA: Tonsorial artist! Anyway, these double X chromosomes brats, who had no real problems in the world, would invent new and imaginary problems so they felt like some kind of rebel. They wanted the world to know that behind the nose piercings and cliché tattoos, they wield deadly poison that they aren’t afraid to use.
SAUCE BOSS: And let me guess, you had a relationship go sour with one of them?
CHERRY COLA: F*ck no! I just hated my job. Sh*t tips from sh*t people. You’d think that someone willing to spend two hundred dollars on a dye job would tip better, but they don’t. Dipping their empty little coconuts in toxic chemicals did nothing to earn their appreciation. I still have nightmares about that job.
SAUCE BOSS: #Realtalk from Cheryl Cole everybody. If it helps, we can commit a hate crime on a pinata later.
CHERRY COLA: Awww… The sauce is sweet tonight.
SAUCE BOSS: Am I allowed to comment on the irony of your red streaks in your hair?
CHERRY COLA: My name is Cherry you meatbag. I’m living the gimmick. So stop stepping on my d*ck.
SAUCE BOSS: Roger that. If it’s ok with you, I think we should circle back to the mystery wrestlers.
CHERRY COLA: Whatever you want Dr. Boss.
SAUCE BOSS: The rumor mill has been running wild in the last couple of weeks and here are the names that have been mentioned as possible entrants. Stop me when you hear one you like.
CHERRY COLA: Roger that, Big Shoots.
SAUCE BOSS: Notable missing WGWF names on the card are Cholo, Sonya Benson and Buster Gloves. Guys like Chris Page, James Raven, Tyler Cage, and Centurion could put themselves in the match and draw the ire of every sportswriter in the game. Legends like Terry Borden and the Sentinel could make their return. Sonya Benson and members of her entourage (trainer Duncan Ryder, manager Norris or bodyguard Smith). Or we could see an outsider step into the event, like Goth, Theo Pryce, Sue Plecks, or Sebastian Everett Bryce. But my personal favorite would be an appearance by some local enhancement talent like the Glizzy Boyz, Fiona Hasselback, or Delicious Milk Mayson.
CHERRY COLA: Agreed. Milky is my boy. That guy goes hard AF. You wouldn’t think it, but that boy knows how to get weird. I heard he ate a Butterfinger out of a stripper’s butthole last week. He deserves way better from the Wiggiewiff.
SAUCE BOSS: Wiggiewiff?
CHERRY COLA: W.G.W.F.
SAUCE BOSS: Oh, right. This would be a huge opportunity for Milky. A huge opportunity for anyone lucky enough to get a ticket. Just draw a number and outlast 19 other superstars. The most important rule… do everything in your power to stay in the ring. The lights will shine brightly for one wrestler at the end of the night and the 20,000 fans in attendance will witness history as it’s made.
CHERRY COLA: LFG, Saucey. L… F… G…
SAUCE BOSS: We will, but first, the voices in my headset are telling me we have a segment here from Finn Kuhn. Roll that beautiful bean footage.
We’re back at the private suite within the Las Vegas Velvet Rabbit shown last week with Finn Kühn and Derrick Diamond. A small recap of their discussion shown last week briefly plays to bring the people back up to speed - Finn’s introduction, mentions of the thrilling matches he’s had over the years, and his speech about holding himself to a high standard.
With the neon-colored Vegas skyline just outside the window, Derrick and Finn look each other in the eye as the second stage of the Spotlight Interview was about to begin.
“You’ve briefly mentioned the future, Finn,” Derrick nods as the camera cuts back to Finn with an impassive face, “but what can we come to expect from you here when it comes to the WGWF? What’s made you specifically choose to come here?”
Finn replies silently at first with a wry smile, trying to find the proper words he wants to give before speaking.
“Why I came here?” he asks. “I think it’s simple, really. It’s one of the biggest companies around alongside the XWF and a few others. Coming to a growing company like this, there’s a whole host of new competitors to see. Some of the best and brightest around here. There are so many people I want to face.”
Finn leans back in his seat, crossing his arms as he does so. “You seem intimately familiar with my work in the XWF, Derrick. I take it you’ve heard of me speaking on about the ‘Road of the King,’ yes?”
Derrick lights up like a Christmas tree, nodding and giving a quiet “Yes” before bringing the other viewers up to speed. “None other than the self-imposed challenge road you’ve set for yourself on your way to capturing a World title, whether that be soon or coming in the distant future. In it, you have the goal of beating as many champions as possible, be they current or former.”
“That’s right,” Finn nods as he leans forward. His hands come together under his chin, a twinkle in his eye as the possibilities are beginning to unravel themselves. “‘Be the best or be the broken.’ No better way of accomplishing that than by beating the best. And the way I see it, there’s plenty in the WGWF who call themselves that. I want to face them all.”
“I want to have a technical masterclass with Fred Debonair.”
“I want to have a strong-style showcase against Mark Cross.”
“I want to have a knock-down, drag-out slugfest against Mike Angelo.”
“I want to go out there and carve my way through as many members of the CCPE as possible.”
“And… of course, I’m looking forward to taking to the skies against Zara Ivory tonight at the West Coast Rumble.” The last line is delivered with Finn’s smirk twitching upwards - it’s clear he was told of this when the interview was getting set up, and his happiness is apparent.
Derrick nods in appreciation of Finn’s ambition, taking another sip of water to collect himself as the weight of the King in Rags’ words linger in the air. “I think I speak for nearly every WGWF fan watching this broadcast when I say I can’t wait to see those matches - and beyond.
Finn’s smile turns more bashful with a raise of his eyebrows, chuckling while grabbing some more water himself. As he does so, Derrick continues. “Would you say, however, that there might exist one name who stands above the top? Any… particular name you’re looking forward to more so than the others?”
Finn pauses for a moment, setting his water down and pursing his lips together. A name comes to the tip of his tongue, but he hesitates on saying it at first. After mulling on it for a brief moment, he eventually nods to himself before responding with -
“Mark Flynn.”
The answer surprises Derrick Diamond, who blinks out before coming to again to try and continue to keep the ball rolling. “That’s… surprising, to say the least, given you already have the chance to face Mark Flynn in the XWF. What makes the WGWF a more fitting battleground for you two?”
“There’s something magical about taking on one of the biggest names of the Chronic Chris Page Enterprises within their home company. But really, Derrick, I’m not picky in the slightest about where we’d be fighting,” Finn shakes his head before tapping his fingers together. “XWF, WGWF, multi-branded supershow, out in the damn street. Is he talented? Delusional? Yes. Flynn personifies those qualities and then some. But there’s… something that strikes a chord within me whenever I watch him speak.”
“Maybe it’s the fact that he toiled for a long period of time before he reached the summit, just as I’m aiming to.”
“Maybe it’s the fact that he’s also one of many to refer to himself as a ‘King,’ and refers to it also in a somewhat self-depreciative manner just as I do.”
“Or it might even just be the fact that he’s simply one of the biggest names in wrestling today and still latches onto cheating as a crutch more often than not.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure. What I am sure of, though, is that it’s a match I am eagerly looking forward to, whenever and wherever it happens.”
Derrick looks thoughtful for a long moment at Finn, before humming and nodding. “Well, we’re running out of time, unfortunately, but I must say - it’s good to meet you in person, and we’re glad to have you joining the WGWF.”
“Pleasure’s all mine,” Finn says, and the two give a firm handshake with each other as WGWF Dark rolls on.
SAUCE BOSS: Nice little introduction from Finn there. It’s adding to the anticipation here at CCPE Arena. Finn has a match tonight on what is a brillianct card.
CHERRY COLA: Wait… there’s more than one match?
SAUCE BOSS: Five more, achtually.
CHERRY COLA: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
SAUCE BOSS: I’m dead ass.
CHERRY COLA: …oh my.
SAUCE BOSS: So, let’s look at the first match of the night. It’s a grudge match. The Golden Goddess Lexi Gold versus her former best friend Emily Simms. Some say this is the end of a promising tag team. Rumors hint at a bizarre love triangle between the two of them and Buster Gloves. This one has teeth, and it opens up the show. Who do you have in this one?
CHERRY COLA: Lemme see. Emily Simms is one of those flippy twig b*tches. She’s a goodie two-shoes with a sugar addiction and I’m sick of her being so happy all the time. You’re not supposed to smile when you’re getting beat up. It takes all the fun out of it for the rest of us.
SAUCE BOSS: So, you’re taking Lexi then?
CHERRY COLA: I didn’t say that. I feel uneasy about her too. I mean, something about her looks is… off. I think… And I may be body shaming here, but I’m just gonna say it. I think she’s had some work done. Like a lot of work if you know what I mean.
SAUCE BOSS: I don’t.
CHERRY COLA: Oh, come on, don’t make me feel like an *sshole. ’m looking at old pictures of her and she looks like a completely different person. Nobody’s hair grows that fast. I should know. I was a tonsorial artist.
SAUCE BOSS: I see what you mean. So, in light of this recent revelation, who’s your pick?
CHERRY COLA: Give me Simm-dog.
SAUCE BOSS: Cherry Cola takes Emily Simms. This is probably a pick ‘em, but I’ll take Lexi.
CHERRY COLA: Simp.
SAUCE BOSS: Guilty as charged.
SAUCE BOSS: Match 2 is another ladies affair. It’s Addy versus Atty in what looks like a lopsided matchup. Young Addison Andrews is looking for a huge win over proud mama, Atara Raven. But Greece is offering no charity tonight and the wife of our glorious leader James Raven is looking to make an example out of upstart Andrews by smashing her back to the unemployment line.
CHERRY COLA: Damn Saucey. That’s cold.
SAUCE BOSS: Just calling them like I see ‘em. Obviously, I’m taking Atara. How about you?
CHERRY COLA: Atara I guess. Her slam piece signs my checks.
SAUCE BOSS: Smart. Not really a whole lot else to say about this one. I hope they turn it into a spectacle. We know what Atty can do. Fingers crossed here. Let's move on. Match 3 features a couple promising WGWF recruits. The Chaotic Nightmare, Zara Ivory takes on the King in Rags, Finn Kuhn.
CHERRY COLA: Kuhn.
SAUCE BOSS: Are you picking Kuhn or you just like saying the word?
CHERRY COLA: Kuhn wins. Periodt.
SAUCE BOSS: You don’t want to think about this one first? Ivory is a hell of a competitor. A top 20 global talent in the World Series of Wrestling.
CHERRY COLA: Does Kuhn have green hair?
SAUCE BOSS: No.
CHERRY COLA: Give me Kuhn.
SAUCE BOSS: Well I’m not sure who to take to be honest.
CHERRY COLA: I don’t care.
SAUCE BOSS: The smart money goes on Finn Kuhn who’s making his debut, but part of me is expecting to see a bounceback from Ivory. She’s a former champion and has a lot to prove. I’m torn.
CHERRY COLA: Flip and coin and move on. Ivory sucks. I’ll snatch her wig.
SAUCE BOSS: Fine. I’m taking Kuhn to avoid your wrath.
SAUCE BOSS: A couple debuts coming in match number 4. Two people by the name of Samuel Chatman and the Untamed Demon square off on the first pay-per-view of the year.
CHERRY COLA: Those aren’t real people.
SAUCE BOSS: I promise you. They are. I have profiles, head shots, professional references. They both exist.
CHERRY COLA: But can they wrestle?
SAUCE BOSS: Who knows? But that is the wisdom of James Raven, bringing in two outsiders to put on a show for a packed crowd.
CHERRY COLA: Can you tell me anything about either of them?
SAUCE BOSS: Well, the Untamed Demon is a half-giant. Former OCW Heavyweight Champion…
CHERRY COLA: OCW… Booo… I hear they punch babies.
SAUCE BOSS: Unconfirmed. Also, the Demon is a former XWF tag-team champion.
CHERRY COLA: Yawn…
SAUCE BOSS: And a one-time second place finisher in his third grade spelling bee.
CHERRY COLA: Yay!!!
SAUCE BOSS: He also goes by the name, “Damage”.
CHERRY COLA: So, is Damage his real name, or is Demon his real name?
SAUCE BOSS: Who knows? He is here and he’s about to eat Samuel Chatman *ss for lunch.
CHERRY COLA: Who the funk is Sammy Scat Man and why does a demon want to eat his *ss.
SAUCE BOSS: Sammy is… wait a minute. I had his file… their file… It was right here and now it’s gone.
CHERRY COLA: See?! I told you, you were making it up. You can’t bullsh*t a bullsh*tter, Boss. This “Samuel Batman” or whatever is obviously a gimmick name for some over-the-hill loser who wants to come back for one night while wearing a mask or something. I’m not falling for it. I’m not here for it.
SAUCE BOSS: Oh, here’s the file. Mr. Chatman is an exotic male dancer and a world class athlete.
CHERRY COLA: Skrrrt… Say that again.
SAUCE BOSS: He’s a world class athlete.
CHERRY COLA: No, the other part.
SAUCE BOSS: He’s a male dancer.
CHERRY COLA: Yes. Him. I want him. Give me the dancer.
SAUCE BOSS: I’m taking Demon because he looks invincible. Why are you taking Chatman?
CHERRY COLA: Because I’m thirsty. So, very, thirsty.
SAUCE BOSS: Hi, Thirsty. I'm Dad. Let's make some more ad revenue.
SAUCE BOSS: And in our final match before the big main event, we have the WGWF Tag Team Championship on the line as the Syndicate, Joey Buongiorno and Vittore Costa challenge the Show Stealerz, Austin and Todrick Ramsey.
CHERRY COLA: This one makes my heart sing. How can you not love Todrick Ramsey? If he doesn’t beat everyone else, we riot.
SAUCE BOSS: It’s a tag match. Todrick and Austin have to win together.
CHERRY COLA: Do they? <shrugs> If you say so. I just want good things for Toddy. And those other two. Coaster and Boyardee can get f*cked. They took out the Glizzy Boyz on DARK a while back and they hooked me up with some killer kush. A cherry never forgets.
SAUCE BOSS: Glad to see you’re making friends.
CHERRY COLA: The Glizzies are real ones, but the Syndicate Boyz, not so much.
SAUCE BOSS: Tell us how you really feel Cher’.
CHERRY COLA: All I’m saying is that God ruined two perfect *ssholes when he gave them teeth. That’s all.
SAUCE BOSS: Oof. As strange as it is, I think I have to agree with you on this match. How can anyone not love Todrick Tabor-Ramsey? The Show Stealerz win the match, but I don’t think they steal the show. That right is reserved for the big 20-man West Coast Rumble in our main event.
CHERRY COLA: <gang signs> WEST COAST… BEST COAST…
SAUCE BOSS: Fantastic, now let's cut to a lengthy and completely unnecessary advertisement from one of our favorite sponsors, DIRT WATER COFFEE.
SAUCE BOSS: Tonight, we make a little history. The WGWF has never seen a match like this in the new era.
CHERRY COLA: What a time to be alive. First man walks on the moon and now we try to walk on the sun!
SAUCE BOSS: <blank confusion> Sure. Why not? The first 3 months of the WGWF’s new era has been an incredible journey so far. And I’m so happy to have spent it with you Cherry.
CHERRY COLA: I’m just a surprised as you are that I haven’t been fired yet, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of this broadcast thing. Lying on my resume is the best decision I’ve ever made. I feel like I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for my whole life. Monetized violence and questionable content.
SAUCE BOSS: I couldn’t have said it better myself. And the capacity crowd is here for it too, as the WGWF Universe is in their seats ready to go at the top of the hour. Tonight is all about the Rumble match. We know whoever comes out on top in that match will need to be good… and lucky, but before we get there we have 5 great matches.
CHERRY COLA: It feels good. The eddies are kicking in and anything could happen tonight. Somebody might get pregnant tonight. Let’s get weird, Saucey. Whaddaya say?
SAUCE BOSS: Here’s the thing Cherry. On a night like tonight, you have to put everything out of your mind. You have to keep a short memory. The wins and losses don’t matter. Your resume doesn’t matter. The excitement, the unpredictability of an event like this is a once a year occasion. What happens tonight sets up what we see for the next three, six, nine months of action. Are you ready for it?
CHERRY COLA: I stay ready. And I’m feeling froggy. Thanks for being here with me, Saucey. And thank you for being a decent co-worker. You haven’t once tried to grab my *ss or dose my drinks. And you bring donuts. You’re a good dude. I say this with all due respect to the Sauce Spouse, but if the two of you weren’t so happily married, I’d let you hit it with the lights on.
SAUCE BOSS: Good to know! The respect is mutual… let’s change the subject. For the 20 men and women in the ring tonight, it’s all about survival. Friendships are out the window. It’ll be the one that’s willing to put themselves ahead of those friendships that’ll be standing tall at the end.
CHERRY COLA: A true friend will understand when you cheat a little bit to make things work out. Ain’t that right?
SAUCE BOSS: I don’t know about that. But you only get so many chances to catch lightning in a bottle. This is the closest, and only, chance that most of these competitors will ever get at winning this world title. There probably isn’t much that they aren’t willing to do to win it.
CHERRY COLA: On nights like tonight, in a city like Las Vegas, everyone has a chance. The choices made tonight will take the careers of dozens of workers in different directions. It’s a beautiful thing. And I’m happy to share it with you and all of my Onlyfans subscribers at home. Thank you and God Bless America.
SAUCE BOSS: The time for talking is over. You can feel the electricity in the crowd. The hour is upon us and it’s time to get this show started. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the WGWF proudly brings to you, the biggest event of the year (so far). Feel the ground shake because the West Coast is about to Rumble. It all starts LIVE, next on Fite TV!!!