Post by alycestarchylde on Apr 12, 2018 22:22:09 GMT -5
“Watch Out,” Alyce screamed with a laugh as the raft bounced over the rapids pitching forward burying the front up to the gunwales filling the boar with spume and spray. The raft bucked upwards tossing everyone in it up in the air momentarily before they all bounced down on the rubberized floor of the raft. One of them, the giant computer programmer currently calling himself Sir Ham Beckett, landed half in and half out of the raft, his face splashing deep into the river.
Danny Tenegra grabbed onto the back of his leather breastplate and hauled him out of the water.
“There are rocks down there,” he said with a smirk, “and it's hard to breathe in a river. Stay in the boat, Gravy!”
“More rapids up ahead,” Alyce screamed and she grabbed onto the cord holding on for dear life as the raft bounced down the turbulent river.
It all began a couple weeks ago. Alyce had approached Danny Tenegra with a request.
“You know you are, “ the man known as MDK responded, “a wrestler for the WGWF, one of the greatest jobs in the world and a lot of the potatoes who watch envy you...almost as many as would like to get in your pants.”
“Please,” Alyce pleaded with a tiny bit of a pout.
“You further know,” he added, “that, apparently, you are also some sort of defender of humanity against creatures of darkness and you are regularly mixing it up with creatures most people believe to be mythical?”
“Please,” Alyce said once more, trying to hold onto her pout even though a smile was forcing it's way onto her face.
“Furthermore,” he followed, “You have a shot at the title at Wrestle Wars against a high caliber opponent by the name of Tristan Slater, the biggest Potato of them All?”
Alyce knew she was going to win...Danny only put her through these sorts of screeds when he had agreed to something...he just didn't like to look like a pushover.”
“Please,” she asked once more, laughing as she did.
“And you want to go to Timbuktu Oklahoma to LARP with a bunch of nerds,” he finished, “on purpose.”
“Baby,” she responded, “it's just how I blow off steam! It's fun! Just try it and see.”
“Of course,” he responded with his best shit-eating grin, “I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were asking.”
And so it was that both MDK and Chris Page dutifully signed up with characters through the International Fantasy Gaming Society and joined her in central Oklahoma for an event called the Lair of the Prairie Sorcerer. MDK modeled his character after an Ancient and Mythical Irish King named King Bran (of course, with the typical Tenegra sense of humor, he dubbed the character King Bran Potato and was an instant hit among the other LARPers) and Chris Page played a cleric named (of course) Cannabis Chronic and worshipped a deity of pot. (Page having flown in from Omaha to join her and the Mad King.) Alyce played a japanese half-breed assassin named Shinta Shojumi.
They arrived in Oklahoma and met the rest of their party. This consisted of the aforementioned Sir Ham Beckett, an ancient and powerful knight who stood almost seven feet tall (his real name was Roger and he was a computer programmer), Danny insisted, of course, on calling him Ham Gravy or just Gravy for short and thus they became the duo of Potato and Gravy. Also with them was the Loremistress Jenna Roland, Engineer (real name Diana Plunkett a manager of a motel in Vail, Colorado); fell wizard Dredd Morgan (aka Lawrence Thomas, heart surgeon); axe-wielding maniac Cujo Carmichael (real name David Distler, a legal aide from Philadelphia) Senor Ramon Villalobos a cleric of Ptah, greatest of the Egyptian deities (Roberto Sandoval, a junior professor from the University of Idaho) and last but not least Siobhan Ulster (real name Tina Robertson, a clerk from the Colorado National Park Service). There were also three back up players in case anyone 'died', but they had not been at the beautiful Candleglow Inn in the ass end of Norman, Oklahoma where the PC's had all met, got the basics of the adventure, and met the Game masters Rocky Mason and his husband Jason. The two men provided everyone with a bluetooth earpiece so that the Gamemasters could communicate with the players and then everyone submitted their game armor and weapons for examination so everyone could makes sure they were properly padded and no one was going to get hurt. Then there was a big feed in the banquet hall (which Danny referred to as a 'buffet of TV dinners') and everyone had crashed out before starting the game.
Since then, they had climbed up a mountainous slope, encountered a group of 'orcs' (in actuality, other players dressed up as the LOTR monsters) attacking a small mountain village, they had been invited to a dinner by the villagers where they discovered that a powerful wizard had enslaved the locals and any who did not give him plunder were put to death. So it was the party had agreed to seek out the wizard and slay him.
The raft floated close to shore and she heard a voice in her bluetooth say “And the gods whisper that this is the place.”
“Hear me, Oh Gods,” Cannabis intoned, “I am going to need more pot and a mighty blowjob this evening!” Shinta could not hear what the 'gods' responded with, but Priest Chronic cackled with delight as he hopped out of the raft and helped Shinta and King Bran guide the raft to shore. Behind them Cujo, Ramon and Jenna berought their raft to the shore as well. No sooner had the party gotten the rafts safely to shore then there was a scream.
Sure enough about six men dressed as orcs came charging from a nearby dilapidated log cabin. Without waiting, Shinta ran forward, drawing a padded scimitar and leaping into the fray. A nearby orc made a noise and hurled a bean bag her way, she deflected it with her shield and charged forward. The bean bag hit a nearby orc who fell to the ground screaming. Shinta ran the blade of her padded scimitar against the orcish spell caster's throat and he fell backwards. She could faintly hear a voice from the orc's earpiece say 'Dead'. The orcish spell-caster raised his hand and she could not help but smile as she heard 'I said Dead!' tinnily from the orc's earpiece and the orc dropped his arm and quit moving.
Meanwhile, Cannabis raised his staff.
“Hear me, Oh Gods,” he intoned and after a brief pause he said, “Cloud of Protection!” He raised a joint to his lips, took a deep hit and blew the smoke out at his team-mates. The attacking orcs made a business of slowing down, as if they were under a spell. The smile on Chronic's face was fierce and burned like a miniature sun.
Meanwhile, Jenna had removed a cap pistol from her belt and begun firing at several of the orcs, who began dropping like flies. King Bran tripped the largest orc only to have Sir Ham bring his padded maul down on the creature.
And just like that, the attack was ended. Shinta led them into the cabin which the Gamemasters had filled with shitty hand made log furniture and a chest full of 'game gold'.
“And there was much rejoicing,” King Bran said.
“Hoo-ray,” Cannibis Chronic replied to which all the other gamers followed suit. Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail seemed de rigueur at these events.
Jenna continued to search the cabin, opening a closet to discover a skeleton in the closet.
“Okay,” she said as she looked at the thing, “we have a skeleton in the closet. Either of our clerics have speak with dead?”
“Not I,” replied Cannabis Chronic, “the diety Marijuanus is a bit squiffy when it comes to such spells...apparently” Shinta did her best not to giggle as it was obvious he was relating info he was getting from the game masters.
Sir Ramon, a small dark skinned Hispanic man in the clothes of a 17th century Spanish dandy and carrying a staff carved with a likeness of an Egyptian god at the top nodded and thus proceeded to the closet.
He held his staff aloft and said, “Hear me, O God of the Ways, find me the soul who once dwelled in this body.”
Suddenly, a voice emerged from the closet, so loud that it scared everyone at first.
“I am Falken, Sorcerer of Light, dead these many millennia, who dares disturb my bones,” the voice intoned.
“Dude, we found you in a closet,” Cannabis said. Shinta smacked him on the back of the head.
“That speaker is really well concealed,” Bran whispered, “you almost can't see it...” Shinta smacked him as well, interrupting him. Jenna, her blonde hair cascading down from her back stared daggers at all three of them.
“Falken,” Ramon began, stifling a giggle, “I am Sir Ramon Villalobos, servant of Ptah, we found your remains in the hands of foul orcs, stuffed in a crude closet. These orcs serve an evil wizard.”
“They must have found my grave and dug me up,” the voice said, “they must want to use my powers for their own ends. I cannot stay on this plane long, but if you carry my skull into battle, I will avenge this disturbance upon my place of rest!”
And with that, Jenna looked around the cabin and found odds and ends enough she could make a box lined with cloth for the skull to rest in. No sooner had she finished the box then a voice in their bluetooth earpieces addressed everyone, “It is six bells past the risen sun, Quittin' time. The food gnomes will be around directly.”
Page laid his staff up against the wall and took off his pack. He dug into it looking for his cell phone.
“This is FUN,” he said as he powered his phone on and began to check his messages, “I thought I was going to hate it...but frankly, it's good exercise, it's outdoors, and I am getting to smoke a lot of weed! And it's legal! I love nerd America!”
MDK had located a section of the shack with running water and was washing his hands and face.
“I have to admit, my queen, this has been a spectacular adventure,” he said.
Roger had joined the group and high-fived Danny, “How ya doin', Potato?”
Danny chuckled and shook his head, “Kickin' ass, Gravy.”
“Thanks for the save earlier on the boat,” Roger said, “I don't swim so well.”
“No problem,” MDK said, “but now you owe me fealty!”
Roger laughed, “Okay, but I warn you, I'm gonna ask for another favor.”
Now it was MDK's turn to laugh, “Name it my man, if I can help, I will”
Roger was slow to respond but finally, red-faced and sputtering, he managed to spill out, “Can I get tickets to Wrestle Wars?”
Danny, Chris and Alyce all laughed.
From out of nowhere, Dave popped his head around the corner, “Not trying to eavesdrop, but if we are giving away Wrestle Wars swag, count me IN.”
Danny looked at them both, “You guys are fans?”
Roger and Dave both nodded, grinning like loons.
“Fuck that Andy Johnson guy, he CAN'T be your kid, he's nothing like you,” Roger said to Page.
“And Cable versus MDK will be...EPIC! I expect you two to put on a barn burner,” Dave said to MDK.
“And Fuck Tristan Slater,” both men said in unison to Alyce who laughed in response.
MDK looked at Page, “Well, they asked for freebies...it is your company, after all?”
Page smirked back, “Yeah, but I have nothing to do with day to day operations any more...that being said...I can suggest a couple of my friends get tickets...as long as there are seats those requests get honored.”
Both Roger and Dave gave Page a thumbs up. Roger opened his mouth to say something else, and then the 'food gnomes' arrived. In this case, the food gnomes happened to be an older Mexican couple. In IFGS 'food gnomes' or 'food elves' tended to be folks that were somehow into the local LARPing scene or sometimes local restaurants looking to encourage business. These two, it turned out, ran a food truck and their son was one of the orcs and so they offered to feed everyone. They left three trays of styrofoam boxes stacked like pyramids and made their way back out.
Everyone grabbed a styrofoam box and discovered within the largest burrito they had ever scene covered with cheese sauce, lettuce, sour cream and a spicy but still edible salsa. Everyone dug in with gusto.
“It's the most disgusting looking thing I've ever seen,” Danny exclaimed, “and yet, it's just so tasty!”
Page's only comment was the sauce should be hotter. Alyce didn't say a word but merely shoved bite after bite of the savory treat into her eager mouth. Page and Danny both grabbed another and someone had discovered that the pair also left churros. Page and Danny finished their second burrito and all three had a churro. Alyce was pleasantly stuffed and curled up and went to sleep. Page and Danny talked a bit longer and then turned in as well.
After a breakfast of Denver Omelets and flapjacks (probably from a local diner), the group got underway. They set off over a rocky expanse veering around the base of either a low rocky hill or a small mountain, they weren't sure which.
They had not made it far around the base when a roar came from above them. Several 'orcs' were running down the slope at them. Dozens of them.
Ham, Bran, Cujo, Jenna and Shinta took up a line. Ham, Bran and Shinta had bows which they were firing without arrows. Every time they drew the string back they said 'firing' and released. At which point an orc would usually drop. Cujo was whirling a leather sling above his head, also empty and was taking down orcs with imaginary stones. Finally Jenna had a rifle and would say firing every time she squeezed the trigger.
As the orcs approached, their numbers were roughly halved. Dredd, Ramon, Siobhan and Cannabis took up a line behind the group of distance weapon fighters and began to pull out bean bags.
“Hear me O Gods,” Cannabis and Ramon said in unison. Ramon said “Firebolt” and hurled a red bean bag at one of the orcs. It bounced off the creatures chest as he dropped to the ground 'dead', along with several orcs around him. Cannabis, on the other hand, said “Lighter of the Gods” before tossing a red bean bag of his own. It smacked one of the orcs right in the eye eliciting a cry of “OW! SHIT!” before the orc and several of his compatriots dropped to the ground as well. Cannabis mouthed the word “Sorry” to the offended attacker. Dredd Morgan, on the other hand, had a brown bean bag in hand, which he tossed at the feet of the assembled horde and proclaimed the word, “Shockwave”! Most of the rest of the creatures dropped to the ground or made a show of trying to stay on their feet. Siobhan had a black bean bag which she tossed among some of the fallen opponents and cried “Curse of Undeath!” Dutifully, several of the dead orcs rose and began to attack their compatriots.
Bran, Ham, Cujo and Shinta had dropped their missile weapons and had pulled out their padded melee weapons. Bran, Ham and Cujo joined sheilds creating a human wedge. The spell-casters stayed behind this wedge casting spells as need. Jenna had fallen off to one side to hide behind a small tree where she continued 'shooting' the orcs and Shinta had moved off to one side. As an assassin, she was effectively invisible until she attacked. The orcs ran headlong into the wedge and Bran, Ham and Cujo began to cut their way through the remaining force. Shinta kept to one side taking pot shots against stragglers, dropping them from behind. Jenna was still firing and the spell-casters had gone to more personal spells. After just a few minutes, the orcs broke and the few remaining survivors ran upwards and away.
Shinta looked among the fallen and found a survivor. Apparently, injured by one of the spells, a female orc had been incapacitated but not killed. Turned out, she was one of the bosses of the tribe. They interrogated her, but got nowhere...until Cannibis cast “Cloud of Truth” on her. Mostly, this involved the two sharing a joint and then she was quite willing to answer Jenna's questions. Long story short, a powerful spell-caster had united the local orc tribes to make war on the Kingdoms. He knew about the force coming to defeat him and was willing to turn every monster in the area against them. Furthermore, she knew exactly where his tower was and was willing to draw them a map. She also pointed out a clearing she said was guarded by an ogre and he had somewhere in his lair the sword of a mage hunter which made the wielder immune to magic. Afterwards, they slayed her.
Ramon then cast a spell of Shielded Movement, and the party went through the forest at the base of the mountain. They passed several 'orcs' on the lookout but Ramon's spell kept them from being spotted. Soon, though, they came upon the clearing. Standing in the clearing was a man who was seven feet tall. Tusks protruded from the corner of his mouth and he was covered in various furry hides.
Everyone drew padded weapons and Potato and Gravy approached from the front, flanking Cujo. Shinta went around behind the beast. The ogre charged forward and burst through the line of fighters (mostly because the gm's told them they had been thrown aside) and charged the spell-casters. Cannibis stepped forward and punched the creature in the solar plexus, causing it to double over with a 'woof!' Everyone watching screamed in sympathy as Cannabis then body-slammed the attacking creature in the dirt. In their earpieces everyone suddenly heard, “Cannabis has been warned for violating the no physical contact rule. One more offense and he will be removed.” Cannabis got a sheepish grin as the ogre struggled to it's feet. Shinta slipped up behind it using her padded scimitar to slice across it's throat. The creature grabbed it's throat and dropped to the ground.
Jenna rounded on Cannabis and drug him off to one side, yelling at him as a mother might yell at a willful child. Cannabis, for his part, never stopped grinning.
Meanwhile, the rest of the party searched through the area and it was Shinta who discovered one of the hills was in fact a cleverly disguised hut with another chest of game gold and the sword of the Mage Hunter turned out to be a scimitar which glowed, the party handed the weapon to Alyce. From there they walked into a small clearing and when they noticed the half moon sign over the trees leading into the clearing, they realized that this was a rest stop. They went in laid down their packs and waited for the gods to provide lunch.
No sooner had they sat down than a giant of a man wandered into the camp. He came straight for Chris and Alyce realized that this big man in a pair of slacks and a collared shirt was the ogre from before. He shook Page's hand, took a selfie with him and talked with him excitedly.
Page turned around with a grin.
“Turns out he's a fan,” Page said, “he says his friends are jealous.”
Danny laughed, “Who knew people were so eager to line up for an assault from Chris Page.”
About that time the food gnomes arrived, this time turning out to be employees wearing the logos of a fast food chain. Everybody got their McLunch on, used the facilities (which were cunningly concealed behind a nearby stand of trees) and prepared for the trek to the Wizard's Lair.
Dianna turned to face them.
“Alright, kids,” she began, “when we cross out of this clearing, we are back in the game and it is going to get tough. Everyone needs to be on their toes. Noobs, remember, it's a game so no punching the actors...and that goes double for you Page! Also, like I said, it is going to get tough and so balls out...”
“...and by that I mean, rattle your swords and staves together, my friends, because we have a sorcerer to attend to and his hordes to cut down and I mean to have them done by dinner tonight!”
Shinta cheered as did Cannabis Chronic and King Bran...along with the rest of the warriors in their party. Jenna bowed as cheers echoed through the forest.
With that, they left the clearing. Within moments, they encountered a group of soldiers, all wearing the burning three-lobed eye design that was the mark of the Wizard. They dutifully searched the bodies and then moved on. A few minutes later, they were ambushed by folks they had come to recognize as orcs and managed to cut them down. However, Cujo was left disabled. Cannabis smiled and cried “Hear me O Gods, Cloud of Healing!” He toked on a massive blunt and breathed the smoke at Cujo who rose “healed” and whole.
And that was the rest of their day, running forward and fighting monsters and soldiers. They would take injuries, but the clerics would heal them. And so it was, dirty, hot, but filled with combat lust they reached a yellow line marked in the ground. That was an in-game sign, like the half moon, this one though meant that from here on in...there were no replacements and no refreshing. What magic you had, once you used it, was gone. If someone died, your party remained down a person.
They knew they were closing in on the final battle.
And so as they exited the trees, they saw it. It looked like a church carved out of a massive piece of granite. It was rough hewn, rocky and looked totally forbidding sitting out on an otherwise empty expanse. Around it were gathered a throng, a mass, a wad of humanity. And the first group broke off and wandered towards them. As the group closed in, Shinta could see they were made up like skeletons and zombies. Cannabis and Ramon stepped forward with Bran and Cujo on either side. They held their staves aloft marching toward the throng. And as they got in closing distance, some of the undead dropped to the ground. Others fled. Those who didn't were ground down by the weapons of Cujo or Bran. Soon, no more undead stood the field. Now, a massive crowd of orcs gathered. Cannabis and Ramon dropped back and Bran, Cujo, and Ham took the forefront with Jenna, Siobhan and Dredd bolstering them.
They marched forward into the attacking orcs. Between Jenna's rifle, and the spells from the mages Orcs were dropping like flies. Then the warriors hit the wall of orcs and began to tear into them. Wave after wave of orcs crashed against that wall only to fall. And then Cujo leapt forward, and the orcs closed around him. He disappeared into the throng and with a scream, he died. Shinta darted in and out of the orcs, her assassin skills keeping her unseen and allowing her to take out the creatures. Suddenly, Cannabis' voice could be heard over the fray.
“Dudes,” he cried, “I'm out!”
“What,” Jenna yelled in response.
“The Gods,” he replied, “they say I'm out of magic.”
“Just do your best to hold them off,” she cried.
“Fuck that,” he yelled out. With that, he raised his padded staff and dived into the fray. When next Shinta saw him, he was down on his back surrounded by at least eight downed orcs. And then they were through, the orcs routed and ran away leaving a lone figure standing in front of the church. He spoke a word and threw a handful of gray projectiles. They struck Ramon, Ham and Dredd and the three froze in place. He then threw a blue one which struck Siobhan and she froze in place. Jenna opened the case she had been carrying. She handed the skull to Shinta. Shinta ran forward as she was pelted with bean bags and the voice in her earpiece said, “You're immune”. Shinta cried, “Falken!” and tossed the skull forward. Unseen lights suddenly ignited pointing towards the evil Wizard. And then, just as suddenly as they ignited, the lights turned off and somehow, the foe had vanished leaving only a blackened staff behind.
Shinta hugged Bran and Jenna and then the noise started. She realized, there was clapping. Looking around, the dead stood up. Dead orcs, dead zombies and skeletons, dead teammates and they were applauding the survivors. Sooner or later, they were joined by the Game masters and the dead wizard. Shinta grabbed King Bran and kissed him deeply.
Then they headed back to the Candleglow where showers and an epic after party awaited.
Note from the Author: The International Fantasy Gaming Society is real. You can join it today. It first appeared as a fictional group in the novel Dream Park and fans made it real, making it the first group of LARPers ever. The adventure presented here was really played through by the author.
Alyce sits on a throne, hand on a sword pointed in the ground. She smiles, cat-like. And then she tosses the sword away. She begins walking towards the camera.
“You know what, Tristan, fuck the usual trappings. Fuck the usual way I do things. Fuck you! Here's the deal man. I hate you. I hate your smug smile, I hate your face, I hate the sound of your voice. I wish you went into acting and were playing a comic book hero or appearing in all female versions of films from the '80's so that way I could just ignore you.
Yeah, I'll give you your due, when I first showed up, you were on a roll. You couldn't be stopped. Nothing got in your way. And I was impressed. And then, then my Mad King took your title. He beat you like a red-headed step-child and took what should have been his the moment he walked in the doors of this place. He showed EVERYONE the cracks in your armor.
And what was your response? You went after ME! You treated me like a damsel in distress in some movie, fit for nothing more than being used against my Mad King! Do I look like fucking Daphne from Scooby Doo to you, mother fucker?!?
Since then, my gorge rises any time I'm near you. You ever wonder why the Mad King and I brought in Anarchy? It's to tear down everything you EVER cared about! And frankly, the more we fight, the more I want to hurt you. I not only want to hurt you, I want to go back in time, find your ancestors and punch them in the dick just because. I want to slap your mother. I want to punish the molecules that are part of you. Are you generally understanding my level of dislike? I hate you right down to your component atoms.
That being said, you are coming in like you always do. Conceited and overconfident...because while you have had a good run of things over the last eighteen months or so, you seem to have completely forgotten how you were ignominiously chased out of XWF, or how you lost an Inferno match to Lunacy or any number of other defeats and losses in your career. And while you may like to try to play the 'that was then, this is now' game...those who don't learn from their history are doomed to repeat it. Just call me “Little Miss Doom.”
So, let me try to get this into that tub of cottage cheese you call a brain. I am ready for you. I've watched all the matches, I've talked to many of your former opponents, and I have multiple strategies for dealing with you. You know, the sort of thing that's allowed me to begin my own list of legends that I have defeated. And now, on the eve of Wrestle Wars, I cannot WAIT to tear you apart. And what a match, A shifting stipulation match. Weapons? Sounds Good. Street Fight? Awesome! Falls Count Anywhere? Steel Cage? Glass Topped Tables? I am happy to turn all of these things against you.
The time has come, The wheel has turned and brought you and I together in a match for the ages...and I have every intention of beating you...of proving to you why you made a mistake all those months back by targeting me. So when you are once again without your title, when you are once again no longer the 'top guy' and you wonder how it is you have reached that sorry pass. The answer is this...you tried to treat me like a bitch...and I am no one's bitch...not even my Mad King's.
This is where you get your comeuppance. This is where I finally put paid to your account. This is where I right the wrongs you have done against me. This is where I rise and stand atop this federation. And while I have thrown away most of my usual traditions when it comes to addressing my opponents, considering the kind of match it is, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you...
Welcome to Wonderland, it gets bloody from here!"
She smiles and strides of screen.
Danny Tenegra grabbed onto the back of his leather breastplate and hauled him out of the water.
“There are rocks down there,” he said with a smirk, “and it's hard to breathe in a river. Stay in the boat, Gravy!”
“More rapids up ahead,” Alyce screamed and she grabbed onto the cord holding on for dear life as the raft bounced down the turbulent river.
It all began a couple weeks ago. Alyce had approached Danny Tenegra with a request.
“You know you are, “ the man known as MDK responded, “a wrestler for the WGWF, one of the greatest jobs in the world and a lot of the potatoes who watch envy you...almost as many as would like to get in your pants.”
“Please,” Alyce pleaded with a tiny bit of a pout.
“You further know,” he added, “that, apparently, you are also some sort of defender of humanity against creatures of darkness and you are regularly mixing it up with creatures most people believe to be mythical?”
“Please,” Alyce said once more, trying to hold onto her pout even though a smile was forcing it's way onto her face.
“Furthermore,” he followed, “You have a shot at the title at Wrestle Wars against a high caliber opponent by the name of Tristan Slater, the biggest Potato of them All?”
Alyce knew she was going to win...Danny only put her through these sorts of screeds when he had agreed to something...he just didn't like to look like a pushover.”
“Please,” she asked once more, laughing as she did.
“And you want to go to Timbuktu Oklahoma to LARP with a bunch of nerds,” he finished, “on purpose.”
“Baby,” she responded, “it's just how I blow off steam! It's fun! Just try it and see.”
“Of course,” he responded with his best shit-eating grin, “I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were asking.”
And so it was that both MDK and Chris Page dutifully signed up with characters through the International Fantasy Gaming Society and joined her in central Oklahoma for an event called the Lair of the Prairie Sorcerer. MDK modeled his character after an Ancient and Mythical Irish King named King Bran (of course, with the typical Tenegra sense of humor, he dubbed the character King Bran Potato and was an instant hit among the other LARPers) and Chris Page played a cleric named (of course) Cannabis Chronic and worshipped a deity of pot. (Page having flown in from Omaha to join her and the Mad King.) Alyce played a japanese half-breed assassin named Shinta Shojumi.
They arrived in Oklahoma and met the rest of their party. This consisted of the aforementioned Sir Ham Beckett, an ancient and powerful knight who stood almost seven feet tall (his real name was Roger and he was a computer programmer), Danny insisted, of course, on calling him Ham Gravy or just Gravy for short and thus they became the duo of Potato and Gravy. Also with them was the Loremistress Jenna Roland, Engineer (real name Diana Plunkett a manager of a motel in Vail, Colorado); fell wizard Dredd Morgan (aka Lawrence Thomas, heart surgeon); axe-wielding maniac Cujo Carmichael (real name David Distler, a legal aide from Philadelphia) Senor Ramon Villalobos a cleric of Ptah, greatest of the Egyptian deities (Roberto Sandoval, a junior professor from the University of Idaho) and last but not least Siobhan Ulster (real name Tina Robertson, a clerk from the Colorado National Park Service). There were also three back up players in case anyone 'died', but they had not been at the beautiful Candleglow Inn in the ass end of Norman, Oklahoma where the PC's had all met, got the basics of the adventure, and met the Game masters Rocky Mason and his husband Jason. The two men provided everyone with a bluetooth earpiece so that the Gamemasters could communicate with the players and then everyone submitted their game armor and weapons for examination so everyone could makes sure they were properly padded and no one was going to get hurt. Then there was a big feed in the banquet hall (which Danny referred to as a 'buffet of TV dinners') and everyone had crashed out before starting the game.
Since then, they had climbed up a mountainous slope, encountered a group of 'orcs' (in actuality, other players dressed up as the LOTR monsters) attacking a small mountain village, they had been invited to a dinner by the villagers where they discovered that a powerful wizard had enslaved the locals and any who did not give him plunder were put to death. So it was the party had agreed to seek out the wizard and slay him.
The raft floated close to shore and she heard a voice in her bluetooth say “And the gods whisper that this is the place.”
“Hear me, Oh Gods,” Cannabis intoned, “I am going to need more pot and a mighty blowjob this evening!” Shinta could not hear what the 'gods' responded with, but Priest Chronic cackled with delight as he hopped out of the raft and helped Shinta and King Bran guide the raft to shore. Behind them Cujo, Ramon and Jenna berought their raft to the shore as well. No sooner had the party gotten the rafts safely to shore then there was a scream.
Sure enough about six men dressed as orcs came charging from a nearby dilapidated log cabin. Without waiting, Shinta ran forward, drawing a padded scimitar and leaping into the fray. A nearby orc made a noise and hurled a bean bag her way, she deflected it with her shield and charged forward. The bean bag hit a nearby orc who fell to the ground screaming. Shinta ran the blade of her padded scimitar against the orcish spell caster's throat and he fell backwards. She could faintly hear a voice from the orc's earpiece say 'Dead'. The orcish spell-caster raised his hand and she could not help but smile as she heard 'I said Dead!' tinnily from the orc's earpiece and the orc dropped his arm and quit moving.
Meanwhile, Cannabis raised his staff.
“Hear me, Oh Gods,” he intoned and after a brief pause he said, “Cloud of Protection!” He raised a joint to his lips, took a deep hit and blew the smoke out at his team-mates. The attacking orcs made a business of slowing down, as if they were under a spell. The smile on Chronic's face was fierce and burned like a miniature sun.
Meanwhile, Jenna had removed a cap pistol from her belt and begun firing at several of the orcs, who began dropping like flies. King Bran tripped the largest orc only to have Sir Ham bring his padded maul down on the creature.
And just like that, the attack was ended. Shinta led them into the cabin which the Gamemasters had filled with shitty hand made log furniture and a chest full of 'game gold'.
“And there was much rejoicing,” King Bran said.
“Hoo-ray,” Cannibis Chronic replied to which all the other gamers followed suit. Quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail seemed de rigueur at these events.
Jenna continued to search the cabin, opening a closet to discover a skeleton in the closet.
“Okay,” she said as she looked at the thing, “we have a skeleton in the closet. Either of our clerics have speak with dead?”
“Not I,” replied Cannabis Chronic, “the diety Marijuanus is a bit squiffy when it comes to such spells...apparently” Shinta did her best not to giggle as it was obvious he was relating info he was getting from the game masters.
Sir Ramon, a small dark skinned Hispanic man in the clothes of a 17th century Spanish dandy and carrying a staff carved with a likeness of an Egyptian god at the top nodded and thus proceeded to the closet.
He held his staff aloft and said, “Hear me, O God of the Ways, find me the soul who once dwelled in this body.”
Suddenly, a voice emerged from the closet, so loud that it scared everyone at first.
“I am Falken, Sorcerer of Light, dead these many millennia, who dares disturb my bones,” the voice intoned.
“Dude, we found you in a closet,” Cannabis said. Shinta smacked him on the back of the head.
“That speaker is really well concealed,” Bran whispered, “you almost can't see it...” Shinta smacked him as well, interrupting him. Jenna, her blonde hair cascading down from her back stared daggers at all three of them.
“Falken,” Ramon began, stifling a giggle, “I am Sir Ramon Villalobos, servant of Ptah, we found your remains in the hands of foul orcs, stuffed in a crude closet. These orcs serve an evil wizard.”
“They must have found my grave and dug me up,” the voice said, “they must want to use my powers for their own ends. I cannot stay on this plane long, but if you carry my skull into battle, I will avenge this disturbance upon my place of rest!”
And with that, Jenna looked around the cabin and found odds and ends enough she could make a box lined with cloth for the skull to rest in. No sooner had she finished the box then a voice in their bluetooth earpieces addressed everyone, “It is six bells past the risen sun, Quittin' time. The food gnomes will be around directly.”
Page laid his staff up against the wall and took off his pack. He dug into it looking for his cell phone.
“This is FUN,” he said as he powered his phone on and began to check his messages, “I thought I was going to hate it...but frankly, it's good exercise, it's outdoors, and I am getting to smoke a lot of weed! And it's legal! I love nerd America!”
MDK had located a section of the shack with running water and was washing his hands and face.
“I have to admit, my queen, this has been a spectacular adventure,” he said.
Roger had joined the group and high-fived Danny, “How ya doin', Potato?”
Danny chuckled and shook his head, “Kickin' ass, Gravy.”
“Thanks for the save earlier on the boat,” Roger said, “I don't swim so well.”
“No problem,” MDK said, “but now you owe me fealty!”
Roger laughed, “Okay, but I warn you, I'm gonna ask for another favor.”
Now it was MDK's turn to laugh, “Name it my man, if I can help, I will”
Roger was slow to respond but finally, red-faced and sputtering, he managed to spill out, “Can I get tickets to Wrestle Wars?”
Danny, Chris and Alyce all laughed.
From out of nowhere, Dave popped his head around the corner, “Not trying to eavesdrop, but if we are giving away Wrestle Wars swag, count me IN.”
Danny looked at them both, “You guys are fans?”
Roger and Dave both nodded, grinning like loons.
“Fuck that Andy Johnson guy, he CAN'T be your kid, he's nothing like you,” Roger said to Page.
“And Cable versus MDK will be...EPIC! I expect you two to put on a barn burner,” Dave said to MDK.
“And Fuck Tristan Slater,” both men said in unison to Alyce who laughed in response.
MDK looked at Page, “Well, they asked for freebies...it is your company, after all?”
Page smirked back, “Yeah, but I have nothing to do with day to day operations any more...that being said...I can suggest a couple of my friends get tickets...as long as there are seats those requests get honored.”
Both Roger and Dave gave Page a thumbs up. Roger opened his mouth to say something else, and then the 'food gnomes' arrived. In this case, the food gnomes happened to be an older Mexican couple. In IFGS 'food gnomes' or 'food elves' tended to be folks that were somehow into the local LARPing scene or sometimes local restaurants looking to encourage business. These two, it turned out, ran a food truck and their son was one of the orcs and so they offered to feed everyone. They left three trays of styrofoam boxes stacked like pyramids and made their way back out.
Everyone grabbed a styrofoam box and discovered within the largest burrito they had ever scene covered with cheese sauce, lettuce, sour cream and a spicy but still edible salsa. Everyone dug in with gusto.
“It's the most disgusting looking thing I've ever seen,” Danny exclaimed, “and yet, it's just so tasty!”
Page's only comment was the sauce should be hotter. Alyce didn't say a word but merely shoved bite after bite of the savory treat into her eager mouth. Page and Danny both grabbed another and someone had discovered that the pair also left churros. Page and Danny finished their second burrito and all three had a churro. Alyce was pleasantly stuffed and curled up and went to sleep. Page and Danny talked a bit longer and then turned in as well.
After a breakfast of Denver Omelets and flapjacks (probably from a local diner), the group got underway. They set off over a rocky expanse veering around the base of either a low rocky hill or a small mountain, they weren't sure which.
They had not made it far around the base when a roar came from above them. Several 'orcs' were running down the slope at them. Dozens of them.
Ham, Bran, Cujo, Jenna and Shinta took up a line. Ham, Bran and Shinta had bows which they were firing without arrows. Every time they drew the string back they said 'firing' and released. At which point an orc would usually drop. Cujo was whirling a leather sling above his head, also empty and was taking down orcs with imaginary stones. Finally Jenna had a rifle and would say firing every time she squeezed the trigger.
As the orcs approached, their numbers were roughly halved. Dredd, Ramon, Siobhan and Cannabis took up a line behind the group of distance weapon fighters and began to pull out bean bags.
“Hear me O Gods,” Cannabis and Ramon said in unison. Ramon said “Firebolt” and hurled a red bean bag at one of the orcs. It bounced off the creatures chest as he dropped to the ground 'dead', along with several orcs around him. Cannabis, on the other hand, said “Lighter of the Gods” before tossing a red bean bag of his own. It smacked one of the orcs right in the eye eliciting a cry of “OW! SHIT!” before the orc and several of his compatriots dropped to the ground as well. Cannabis mouthed the word “Sorry” to the offended attacker. Dredd Morgan, on the other hand, had a brown bean bag in hand, which he tossed at the feet of the assembled horde and proclaimed the word, “Shockwave”! Most of the rest of the creatures dropped to the ground or made a show of trying to stay on their feet. Siobhan had a black bean bag which she tossed among some of the fallen opponents and cried “Curse of Undeath!” Dutifully, several of the dead orcs rose and began to attack their compatriots.
Bran, Ham, Cujo and Shinta had dropped their missile weapons and had pulled out their padded melee weapons. Bran, Ham and Cujo joined sheilds creating a human wedge. The spell-casters stayed behind this wedge casting spells as need. Jenna had fallen off to one side to hide behind a small tree where she continued 'shooting' the orcs and Shinta had moved off to one side. As an assassin, she was effectively invisible until she attacked. The orcs ran headlong into the wedge and Bran, Ham and Cujo began to cut their way through the remaining force. Shinta kept to one side taking pot shots against stragglers, dropping them from behind. Jenna was still firing and the spell-casters had gone to more personal spells. After just a few minutes, the orcs broke and the few remaining survivors ran upwards and away.
Shinta looked among the fallen and found a survivor. Apparently, injured by one of the spells, a female orc had been incapacitated but not killed. Turned out, she was one of the bosses of the tribe. They interrogated her, but got nowhere...until Cannibis cast “Cloud of Truth” on her. Mostly, this involved the two sharing a joint and then she was quite willing to answer Jenna's questions. Long story short, a powerful spell-caster had united the local orc tribes to make war on the Kingdoms. He knew about the force coming to defeat him and was willing to turn every monster in the area against them. Furthermore, she knew exactly where his tower was and was willing to draw them a map. She also pointed out a clearing she said was guarded by an ogre and he had somewhere in his lair the sword of a mage hunter which made the wielder immune to magic. Afterwards, they slayed her.
Ramon then cast a spell of Shielded Movement, and the party went through the forest at the base of the mountain. They passed several 'orcs' on the lookout but Ramon's spell kept them from being spotted. Soon, though, they came upon the clearing. Standing in the clearing was a man who was seven feet tall. Tusks protruded from the corner of his mouth and he was covered in various furry hides.
Everyone drew padded weapons and Potato and Gravy approached from the front, flanking Cujo. Shinta went around behind the beast. The ogre charged forward and burst through the line of fighters (mostly because the gm's told them they had been thrown aside) and charged the spell-casters. Cannibis stepped forward and punched the creature in the solar plexus, causing it to double over with a 'woof!' Everyone watching screamed in sympathy as Cannabis then body-slammed the attacking creature in the dirt. In their earpieces everyone suddenly heard, “Cannabis has been warned for violating the no physical contact rule. One more offense and he will be removed.” Cannabis got a sheepish grin as the ogre struggled to it's feet. Shinta slipped up behind it using her padded scimitar to slice across it's throat. The creature grabbed it's throat and dropped to the ground.
Jenna rounded on Cannabis and drug him off to one side, yelling at him as a mother might yell at a willful child. Cannabis, for his part, never stopped grinning.
Meanwhile, the rest of the party searched through the area and it was Shinta who discovered one of the hills was in fact a cleverly disguised hut with another chest of game gold and the sword of the Mage Hunter turned out to be a scimitar which glowed, the party handed the weapon to Alyce. From there they walked into a small clearing and when they noticed the half moon sign over the trees leading into the clearing, they realized that this was a rest stop. They went in laid down their packs and waited for the gods to provide lunch.
No sooner had they sat down than a giant of a man wandered into the camp. He came straight for Chris and Alyce realized that this big man in a pair of slacks and a collared shirt was the ogre from before. He shook Page's hand, took a selfie with him and talked with him excitedly.
Page turned around with a grin.
“Turns out he's a fan,” Page said, “he says his friends are jealous.”
Danny laughed, “Who knew people were so eager to line up for an assault from Chris Page.”
About that time the food gnomes arrived, this time turning out to be employees wearing the logos of a fast food chain. Everybody got their McLunch on, used the facilities (which were cunningly concealed behind a nearby stand of trees) and prepared for the trek to the Wizard's Lair.
Dianna turned to face them.
“Alright, kids,” she began, “when we cross out of this clearing, we are back in the game and it is going to get tough. Everyone needs to be on their toes. Noobs, remember, it's a game so no punching the actors...and that goes double for you Page! Also, like I said, it is going to get tough and so balls out...”
“...and by that I mean, rattle your swords and staves together, my friends, because we have a sorcerer to attend to and his hordes to cut down and I mean to have them done by dinner tonight!”
Shinta cheered as did Cannabis Chronic and King Bran...along with the rest of the warriors in their party. Jenna bowed as cheers echoed through the forest.
With that, they left the clearing. Within moments, they encountered a group of soldiers, all wearing the burning three-lobed eye design that was the mark of the Wizard. They dutifully searched the bodies and then moved on. A few minutes later, they were ambushed by folks they had come to recognize as orcs and managed to cut them down. However, Cujo was left disabled. Cannabis smiled and cried “Hear me O Gods, Cloud of Healing!” He toked on a massive blunt and breathed the smoke at Cujo who rose “healed” and whole.
And that was the rest of their day, running forward and fighting monsters and soldiers. They would take injuries, but the clerics would heal them. And so it was, dirty, hot, but filled with combat lust they reached a yellow line marked in the ground. That was an in-game sign, like the half moon, this one though meant that from here on in...there were no replacements and no refreshing. What magic you had, once you used it, was gone. If someone died, your party remained down a person.
They knew they were closing in on the final battle.
And so as they exited the trees, they saw it. It looked like a church carved out of a massive piece of granite. It was rough hewn, rocky and looked totally forbidding sitting out on an otherwise empty expanse. Around it were gathered a throng, a mass, a wad of humanity. And the first group broke off and wandered towards them. As the group closed in, Shinta could see they were made up like skeletons and zombies. Cannabis and Ramon stepped forward with Bran and Cujo on either side. They held their staves aloft marching toward the throng. And as they got in closing distance, some of the undead dropped to the ground. Others fled. Those who didn't were ground down by the weapons of Cujo or Bran. Soon, no more undead stood the field. Now, a massive crowd of orcs gathered. Cannabis and Ramon dropped back and Bran, Cujo, and Ham took the forefront with Jenna, Siobhan and Dredd bolstering them.
They marched forward into the attacking orcs. Between Jenna's rifle, and the spells from the mages Orcs were dropping like flies. Then the warriors hit the wall of orcs and began to tear into them. Wave after wave of orcs crashed against that wall only to fall. And then Cujo leapt forward, and the orcs closed around him. He disappeared into the throng and with a scream, he died. Shinta darted in and out of the orcs, her assassin skills keeping her unseen and allowing her to take out the creatures. Suddenly, Cannabis' voice could be heard over the fray.
“Dudes,” he cried, “I'm out!”
“What,” Jenna yelled in response.
“The Gods,” he replied, “they say I'm out of magic.”
“Just do your best to hold them off,” she cried.
“Fuck that,” he yelled out. With that, he raised his padded staff and dived into the fray. When next Shinta saw him, he was down on his back surrounded by at least eight downed orcs. And then they were through, the orcs routed and ran away leaving a lone figure standing in front of the church. He spoke a word and threw a handful of gray projectiles. They struck Ramon, Ham and Dredd and the three froze in place. He then threw a blue one which struck Siobhan and she froze in place. Jenna opened the case she had been carrying. She handed the skull to Shinta. Shinta ran forward as she was pelted with bean bags and the voice in her earpiece said, “You're immune”. Shinta cried, “Falken!” and tossed the skull forward. Unseen lights suddenly ignited pointing towards the evil Wizard. And then, just as suddenly as they ignited, the lights turned off and somehow, the foe had vanished leaving only a blackened staff behind.
Shinta hugged Bran and Jenna and then the noise started. She realized, there was clapping. Looking around, the dead stood up. Dead orcs, dead zombies and skeletons, dead teammates and they were applauding the survivors. Sooner or later, they were joined by the Game masters and the dead wizard. Shinta grabbed King Bran and kissed him deeply.
Then they headed back to the Candleglow where showers and an epic after party awaited.
Note from the Author: The International Fantasy Gaming Society is real. You can join it today. It first appeared as a fictional group in the novel Dream Park and fans made it real, making it the first group of LARPers ever. The adventure presented here was really played through by the author.
Welcome to Wonderland
Alyce sits on a throne, hand on a sword pointed in the ground. She smiles, cat-like. And then she tosses the sword away. She begins walking towards the camera.
“You know what, Tristan, fuck the usual trappings. Fuck the usual way I do things. Fuck you! Here's the deal man. I hate you. I hate your smug smile, I hate your face, I hate the sound of your voice. I wish you went into acting and were playing a comic book hero or appearing in all female versions of films from the '80's so that way I could just ignore you.
Yeah, I'll give you your due, when I first showed up, you were on a roll. You couldn't be stopped. Nothing got in your way. And I was impressed. And then, then my Mad King took your title. He beat you like a red-headed step-child and took what should have been his the moment he walked in the doors of this place. He showed EVERYONE the cracks in your armor.
And what was your response? You went after ME! You treated me like a damsel in distress in some movie, fit for nothing more than being used against my Mad King! Do I look like fucking Daphne from Scooby Doo to you, mother fucker?!?
Since then, my gorge rises any time I'm near you. You ever wonder why the Mad King and I brought in Anarchy? It's to tear down everything you EVER cared about! And frankly, the more we fight, the more I want to hurt you. I not only want to hurt you, I want to go back in time, find your ancestors and punch them in the dick just because. I want to slap your mother. I want to punish the molecules that are part of you. Are you generally understanding my level of dislike? I hate you right down to your component atoms.
That being said, you are coming in like you always do. Conceited and overconfident...because while you have had a good run of things over the last eighteen months or so, you seem to have completely forgotten how you were ignominiously chased out of XWF, or how you lost an Inferno match to Lunacy or any number of other defeats and losses in your career. And while you may like to try to play the 'that was then, this is now' game...those who don't learn from their history are doomed to repeat it. Just call me “Little Miss Doom.”
So, let me try to get this into that tub of cottage cheese you call a brain. I am ready for you. I've watched all the matches, I've talked to many of your former opponents, and I have multiple strategies for dealing with you. You know, the sort of thing that's allowed me to begin my own list of legends that I have defeated. And now, on the eve of Wrestle Wars, I cannot WAIT to tear you apart. And what a match, A shifting stipulation match. Weapons? Sounds Good. Street Fight? Awesome! Falls Count Anywhere? Steel Cage? Glass Topped Tables? I am happy to turn all of these things against you.
The time has come, The wheel has turned and brought you and I together in a match for the ages...and I have every intention of beating you...of proving to you why you made a mistake all those months back by targeting me. So when you are once again without your title, when you are once again no longer the 'top guy' and you wonder how it is you have reached that sorry pass. The answer is this...you tried to treat me like a bitch...and I am no one's bitch...not even my Mad King's.
This is where you get your comeuppance. This is where I finally put paid to your account. This is where I right the wrongs you have done against me. This is where I rise and stand atop this federation. And while I have thrown away most of my usual traditions when it comes to addressing my opponents, considering the kind of match it is, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you...
Welcome to Wonderland, it gets bloody from here!"
She smiles and strides of screen.