Post by alycestarchylde on Jan 15, 2018 18:53:28 GMT -5
The Royal Gravedigger stands on an empty stage, holding a stylized shovel in one hand and wearing a featureless red mask. He looks into the camera and shrugs.
He stares into the camera unmoving. The Royal Executioner walks into view. He towers over the Gravedigger in red and yellow robes, similar to those of a Jack, wearing a slim metal circle around his brow, his features also hidden behind a red mask.
Executioner: What seems to be the trouble?
The Gravedigger shrugs in response.
They are joined by the Court Jester who is wearing red and gold checkerboard tights, a black Russian codpiece, a stylized peasant's blouse, half in red, half in white and gold diamonds, He carries a lute, wears a featureless red mask and a red beret with a gold badge.
Court Jester: I think he doesn't have an idea for his promo.
The Gravedigger nods.
Executioner: Seems a damn shame really.
Court Jester: Wait! I have an idea. Picture this!
The Gravedigger drops the shovel which clatters to the ground. He holds his hands up making a box like a movie producer or director might when discussing a frame. The camera zooms in so it is tightly focused on the box.
Court Jester: It's the Weekend!
A cartoon appears of the Executioner, The Court Jester and The Royal Gravedigger walking arm in arm in front of a black background.
Court Jester: In Vegas!
A toony but recognizable Vegas Skyline appears behind the three lockstepping characters.
Court Jester: And you are getting married!
Suddenly the three are pried apart, the Gravedigger is paired with a particularly dumpy looking woman as the other two become his Groomsmen. Top hats mysteriously appear upon their heads. Suddenly, the Gravedigger cartoon puts it's hands on it's hips and then holds out one hand as if motioning to halt.
Cartoon Executioner : I don't think he likes this part of the story, CJ.
Cartoon Court Jester: Just go with me on this!
The cartoon Gravedigger shrugs and the wedding resumes.
Cartoon Court Jester: But first!
Suddenly a clock appears in the top right corner. It begins to spin backwards slowly at first then faster and faster.
Cartoon Court Jester: It's your bachelor party!
The clock stops spinning. The three masked cartoons dance to some unlicensed music and the room is full of cartoon women without clothes and, oddly, the Cartoon Village People who are dancing up a storm.
Cartoon Court Jester: Your last chance to get some strange and you are taking full opportunity!
Suddenly the cartoon Gravedigger is on top of one of the naked women, naked himself except for his mask he seems briefly appalled and then shrugs and seems to get into it.
Cartoon Court Jester: Things get a bit out of control...
Smoke begins to rise up from their gyrating nether regions. The smoke obscures them. The sound that the Tazmanian Devil makes when he's spinning begins to play for no apparent reason. A cat appears in the smoke and then disappears back into it. A larger dog appears, leaping back into the smoke after the cat. A flock of parrots appear in the smoke and flap in all directions. A tyrannosaur's head rises from the mist...it begins to roar! All the other women flee from the room.
Cartoon Court Jester: And the hooker dies...
Suddenly the smoke dies and the hooker is lying underneath the Gravedigger with X's for eyes and her tongue hanging out. Gravedigger stands up, suddenly dressed again. The dead hooker suddenly explodes saturating all three with blood. There is a close up on the Executioner now looking down at his stained robes.
Cartoon Executioner: I feel the violence in this part is both random and excessive.
The camera pulls back and then focuses in once more on the cartoon Court Jester.
Cartoon Court Jester: Just go with me on this!
The camera pulls back once more. Cartoon Gravedigger shrugs once more.
Cartoon Court Jester: We clean up the worst of the damage, wrap her in a sheet and duct tape a champagne bottle to her hand.
There is a whirlwind of motion and know the Executioner and the Gravedigger are walking the dead woman between them while the Court Jester follows behind them.
Cartoon Executioner: Why are we doing all the work?
Cartoon Court Jester: Who's telling this story?
Cartoon Executioner: Good point!
Cartoon Court Jester: We get to the car and load the dead whore in the back seat!
The three men are now in a cartoon station wagon as is the dead whore.
Cartoon Executioner: Wish I could say that's the first dead whore in our back seat.
Cartoon Court Jester: It's not even our first this year!
Cartoon Gravedigger gives a thumbs up to the camera.
Cartoon Court Jester: We start to drive but get pulled over by a cop!
A cop appears from out of nowhere next to the car.
Cartoon Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Cartoon Executioner: What, you don't know either?
Cartoon Cop: Say, is that sheet-wrapped prostitute drunk?
Cartoon Court Jester: Dead drunk!
Cartoon Cop: Well, make sure she doesn't drive!
Cartoon Court Jester: We won't let her drive!
Cartoon Cop: Say, how are you guys driving all wearing masks with no eye holes?
Cartoon Court Jester: * BEEP * you! * BEEP * -ing mother BEEP -er!
The Court Jester grabs the cops pepper spray off his belt, sprays it into both eyes. The cops eyes melt as he collapses screaming. The car takes off in a cloud of smoke.
Suddenly the scene switches to the desert where the three stand around a hole. The gravedigger is just climbing out of it. The Executioner grabs the sheet-wrapped prostitute and tosses her into the hole where the Gravedigger proceeds to bury her.
Cartoon Court Jester: We bury the dirty whore in the stinking desert...
And the clock reappears and begins spinning forward returning the characters to the original wedding scene.
Cartoon Court Jester: ...and we get back just in time for your wedding to go off without a hitch!
The scene pulls back and the cartoon vanishes. The three men stand there. The Royal Gravedigger taps his chin and then shakes his head.
Executioner: I don't think he likes it, CJ!
Court Jester: Well it's tough titty because we don't have time for anything else.
The camera zooms in on the Royal Gravedigger who shrugs. The scene freezes and goes sepia toned as a laugh track begins to play. The credits roll.
THE CREDITS
The Cast:
Royal Gravedigger played by The Royal Court Jester
Royal Executioner played by The Royal Court Jester
Royal Court Jester played by The Royal Court Jester
Third spear carrier from the left played by George Clooney
Phil the Dog played by Tom Hanks
Dirty Whore played by Your Mom
Gravedigger's Bride played by Your Mom
Animation by The Royal Court Jester
Produced by The Royal Court Jester
Directed by The Royal Court Jester.
Music provided by The Ass of the Royal Court Jester
Andy Johnson will be tossed out by: Chris Page
Chris Page will be ejected by: himself but only after achieving his objective.
FuZz-ynuts will be removed by: beheading.
The Royal Jester is actually the Royal Court Jester and he's a great guy.
The Royal Grave Digger just wants a pony.
The Executioner is gonna beat the pants off of John Gambino. Bigg Rigg my ass.
Simon Jacobs will be removed by The Court Jester.
John Gambino will be dealt with by the Royal Executioner.
Erik Josten dreams of better times!
Silence will be heard screaming as the Royal Three toss him out of the ring like an empty beer can.
The Sentinel will get rid of himself. That guy can't get out of his own way. Seriously.
Luke Riggs. Don't get me started. Fake News.
Dustin Holt. The former 2,418 time World Champion. Go suck a monkey.
Mystery Entrants 14 through 16 will never make themselves known.
K-Remix will get scratched by the Royal Gravedigger.
“The Monster” Silence...wait...haven't we already done him?
Black Death will die at the hands of The Royal Court Jester
Terry Borden will be sawed off at the knees by Alyce Starchylde! Oh wait, too late, she already did!
Filmed in Pandavision!
Cut to a cartoon Panda wearing thick eyeglasses walking. It suddenly falls off the edge of a cliff.
A Royal Reel Production!
He stares into the camera unmoving. The Royal Executioner walks into view. He towers over the Gravedigger in red and yellow robes, similar to those of a Jack, wearing a slim metal circle around his brow, his features also hidden behind a red mask.
Executioner: What seems to be the trouble?
The Gravedigger shrugs in response.
They are joined by the Court Jester who is wearing red and gold checkerboard tights, a black Russian codpiece, a stylized peasant's blouse, half in red, half in white and gold diamonds, He carries a lute, wears a featureless red mask and a red beret with a gold badge.
Court Jester: I think he doesn't have an idea for his promo.
The Gravedigger nods.
Executioner: Seems a damn shame really.
Court Jester: Wait! I have an idea. Picture this!
The Gravedigger drops the shovel which clatters to the ground. He holds his hands up making a box like a movie producer or director might when discussing a frame. The camera zooms in so it is tightly focused on the box.
Court Jester: It's the Weekend!
A cartoon appears of the Executioner, The Court Jester and The Royal Gravedigger walking arm in arm in front of a black background.
Court Jester: In Vegas!
A toony but recognizable Vegas Skyline appears behind the three lockstepping characters.
Court Jester: And you are getting married!
Suddenly the three are pried apart, the Gravedigger is paired with a particularly dumpy looking woman as the other two become his Groomsmen. Top hats mysteriously appear upon their heads. Suddenly, the Gravedigger cartoon puts it's hands on it's hips and then holds out one hand as if motioning to halt.
Cartoon Executioner : I don't think he likes this part of the story, CJ.
Cartoon Court Jester: Just go with me on this!
The cartoon Gravedigger shrugs and the wedding resumes.
Cartoon Court Jester: But first!
Suddenly a clock appears in the top right corner. It begins to spin backwards slowly at first then faster and faster.
Cartoon Court Jester: It's your bachelor party!
The clock stops spinning. The three masked cartoons dance to some unlicensed music and the room is full of cartoon women without clothes and, oddly, the Cartoon Village People who are dancing up a storm.
Cartoon Court Jester: Your last chance to get some strange and you are taking full opportunity!
Suddenly the cartoon Gravedigger is on top of one of the naked women, naked himself except for his mask he seems briefly appalled and then shrugs and seems to get into it.
Cartoon Court Jester: Things get a bit out of control...
Smoke begins to rise up from their gyrating nether regions. The smoke obscures them. The sound that the Tazmanian Devil makes when he's spinning begins to play for no apparent reason. A cat appears in the smoke and then disappears back into it. A larger dog appears, leaping back into the smoke after the cat. A flock of parrots appear in the smoke and flap in all directions. A tyrannosaur's head rises from the mist...it begins to roar! All the other women flee from the room.
Cartoon Court Jester: And the hooker dies...
Suddenly the smoke dies and the hooker is lying underneath the Gravedigger with X's for eyes and her tongue hanging out. Gravedigger stands up, suddenly dressed again. The dead hooker suddenly explodes saturating all three with blood. There is a close up on the Executioner now looking down at his stained robes.
Cartoon Executioner: I feel the violence in this part is both random and excessive.
The camera pulls back and then focuses in once more on the cartoon Court Jester.
Cartoon Court Jester: Just go with me on this!
The camera pulls back once more. Cartoon Gravedigger shrugs once more.
Cartoon Court Jester: We clean up the worst of the damage, wrap her in a sheet and duct tape a champagne bottle to her hand.
There is a whirlwind of motion and know the Executioner and the Gravedigger are walking the dead woman between them while the Court Jester follows behind them.
Cartoon Executioner: Why are we doing all the work?
Cartoon Court Jester: Who's telling this story?
Cartoon Executioner: Good point!
Cartoon Court Jester: We get to the car and load the dead whore in the back seat!
The three men are now in a cartoon station wagon as is the dead whore.
Cartoon Executioner: Wish I could say that's the first dead whore in our back seat.
Cartoon Court Jester: It's not even our first this year!
Cartoon Gravedigger gives a thumbs up to the camera.
Cartoon Court Jester: We start to drive but get pulled over by a cop!
A cop appears from out of nowhere next to the car.
Cartoon Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Cartoon Executioner: What, you don't know either?
Cartoon Cop: Say, is that sheet-wrapped prostitute drunk?
Cartoon Court Jester: Dead drunk!
Cartoon Cop: Well, make sure she doesn't drive!
Cartoon Court Jester: We won't let her drive!
Cartoon Cop: Say, how are you guys driving all wearing masks with no eye holes?
Cartoon Court Jester: * BEEP * you! * BEEP * -ing mother BEEP -er!
The Court Jester grabs the cops pepper spray off his belt, sprays it into both eyes. The cops eyes melt as he collapses screaming. The car takes off in a cloud of smoke.
Suddenly the scene switches to the desert where the three stand around a hole. The gravedigger is just climbing out of it. The Executioner grabs the sheet-wrapped prostitute and tosses her into the hole where the Gravedigger proceeds to bury her.
Cartoon Court Jester: We bury the dirty whore in the stinking desert...
And the clock reappears and begins spinning forward returning the characters to the original wedding scene.
Cartoon Court Jester: ...and we get back just in time for your wedding to go off without a hitch!
The scene pulls back and the cartoon vanishes. The three men stand there. The Royal Gravedigger taps his chin and then shakes his head.
Executioner: I don't think he likes it, CJ!
Court Jester: Well it's tough titty because we don't have time for anything else.
The camera zooms in on the Royal Gravedigger who shrugs. The scene freezes and goes sepia toned as a laugh track begins to play. The credits roll.
THE CREDITS
The Cast:
Royal Gravedigger played by The Royal Court Jester
Royal Executioner played by The Royal Court Jester
Royal Court Jester played by The Royal Court Jester
Third spear carrier from the left played by George Clooney
Phil the Dog played by Tom Hanks
Dirty Whore played by Your Mom
Gravedigger's Bride played by Your Mom
Animation by The Royal Court Jester
Produced by The Royal Court Jester
Directed by The Royal Court Jester.
Music provided by The Ass of the Royal Court Jester
Andy Johnson will be tossed out by: Chris Page
Chris Page will be ejected by: himself but only after achieving his objective.
FuZz-ynuts will be removed by: beheading.
The Royal Jester is actually the Royal Court Jester and he's a great guy.
The Royal Grave Digger just wants a pony.
The Executioner is gonna beat the pants off of John Gambino. Bigg Rigg my ass.
Simon Jacobs will be removed by The Court Jester.
John Gambino will be dealt with by the Royal Executioner.
Erik Josten dreams of better times!
Silence will be heard screaming as the Royal Three toss him out of the ring like an empty beer can.
The Sentinel will get rid of himself. That guy can't get out of his own way. Seriously.
Luke Riggs. Don't get me started. Fake News.
Dustin Holt. The former 2,418 time World Champion. Go suck a monkey.
Mystery Entrants 14 through 16 will never make themselves known.
K-Remix will get scratched by the Royal Gravedigger.
“The Monster” Silence...wait...haven't we already done him?
Black Death will die at the hands of The Royal Court Jester
Terry Borden will be sawed off at the knees by Alyce Starchylde! Oh wait, too late, she already did!
Filmed in Pandavision!
Cut to a cartoon Panda wearing thick eyeglasses walking. It suddenly falls off the edge of a cliff.
A Royal Reel Production!