Post by John Gambino on Nov 12, 2017 23:54:28 GMT -5
Dressed in my best black Armani pinstriped suit, black fedora and aviator sunglasses, I sat in my favorite easy chair in my office. I took a puff from my cigar, then stuck it into the ashtray on the end table beside my chair. With the camera rolling, I grinned and graced the wrestling world with the sound of my voice once again.
“Well let's begin by addressing the elephant in the room, shall we? Yes, I lost the WGWF world heavyweight championship to Ric Fliehr. I had a bad day and I have yet to hear the end of it. But you know what? If Tom Brady leads the Patriots to a loss against an inferior team, is he forever looked down upon because of it? Is he no longer one of the greatest Quarterbacks to ever play the game simply because he had one bad day? No, he is still looked at as one of the best ever in spite of his bad game. It is no different for me. I had a bad match, I walked out there feeling mentally and physically ill due to some family issues that were going on at the time. I lost my championship belt to an inferior opponent who was nothing more than a comedy relief in the WGWF. It was a match that I should have won, a match in which I was predicted by all the experts to win. Yet, I lost. It was a bad day and no one felt worse about it than me.”
“But Boss.” Jullian spoke up. “Didn't you win 100K by betting on that match!?”
Shut the fuck up Jullian.” I scolded him. “I didn't bet on that match....it was uh, it was some other match. Raziel vs Dante.”
“Raziel faced Dante that night?” Tony chimed in.
“Shut the fuck up, Tony.” I shouted. “I don't remember the participants of the match I placed that bet on, but one thing is for sure....I donated all of that money to help those less fortunate.”
“Boss.” Jullian said. “I thought we spent that money on whores and booze.”
“That's what I said motherfucker. The less fortunate.” I snarled, shooting Jullian a dirty look. “Whores don't make as much money as we do, they are less fortunate. COME ON! Get with the damn program. And what about the poor people who own the liquor store Jullian? What about them? They're a mom and pop organization just trying to make ends meet and create something to pass down to their children. If that isn't a noble cause in which to spread my wealth, then I don't know what the hell is. Now, can I get back to the point that I was trying to make? Please?”
“Sorry Boss.” Jullian said.
“Yeah, sorry.” Tony groaned.
“Good. Now, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted....”
“YO JOHN! CHECK OUT THIS COCONUT CHICKEN I JUST MADE!” Uncle Kreepy marveled, as he walked into the room with a plate full of steaming food. “YOU GOTTA COME TRY THIS SHIT BRO!”
“DAMMIT!” I barked. “I'M TRYING TO CUT A MOTHER FUCKING PROMO HERE! CAN I HAVE A FEW SECONDS!? PLEASE!?”
“FUCK THOSE PUTOS!” Kreepy roared. “FOOD, BITCH!”
“GIVE ME A MINUTE!!!!” I fumed.
“Si, Si!” Kreepy scoffed as he walked away.
“Now, as I was saying. Losing one match does not even come close to tarnishing my reputation. I am as we all know, this businesses greatest....”
“ASSHOLE!” Laura cursed.
“WHAT THE FUCK!?” I barked, turning to watch Laura walk into the room carrying a ripped apart red dress.
“YOUR FUCKING POT BELLY PIG ATE MY FAVORITE DRESS!” She snarled.
“I'LL FUCKING BUY YOU A NEW ONE!” I bellowed. “NOW PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEASE....CAN I GET A MINUTE!?”
She sneered at me, if looks could kill then I'd be the late, great “Bigg Rigg” John Gambino.
“This isn't over.” She informed me, as she turned and strutted away with the attitude I long ago became accustomed to.
“Now,as I was saying. I am at the point in my life where I don't feel the need to defend myself. I am THE greatest wrestler and THE greatest entertainer the world of wrestling has ever known. Period. People go on and on about people like Steve Jason and James Raven, but you know what those two guys have in common? I have beaten them both. In fact, at the XWF reunion show held just a few months ago, I had my way with Steve Jason. Steve Jason is like the Whitney Huston of professional wrestling and I came in like Bobby Brown at smacked him silly from pillar to post. And speaking of Whitney Huston, you've all gotta be on some kind of drugs if you're overlooking me when speaking of the best that this industry has ever seen.”
“That's not the kinda stuff a face would say, boss.” Jullian spoke up, I cringed as I heard his voice again.
“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up and fuck off, Jullian?” I scolded. “You've gotta be bananas.”
“Mmmm, did somebody say bananas?” My brother Dom said, pooping his head into the room.
“Yes. You're all bananas. A bunch of fucking bananas. Enough to make a whole ton of banana bread with. Dumb-asses.” I scoffed, shaking my head.
“I'll take some banana bread if someone is making it.” Vinnie shouted from the other room.
“Nobody is making banana bread, you fist full of assholes.” I sighed in frustration, covering my face with one hand. “Why me?”
“Ooooh no!” Kreepy said, doing his Bruce from Family Guy impression that was quite typical. “Did somebody say Banana bread? Uncle Kreepy will make some banana bread, but you gotta watch out for that special glaze he dribbles on top.”
“Nobody wants banana bread, Kreepy and damn well nobody wants your “special glaze”.” I informed him.
“BANANA BREAD!? I'LL TAKE SOME!” Al shouted from the other room.
“EVERYONE, GET THE FUCK OUT AND SHUT UP! I AM TRYING TO DO SOMETHING HERE! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?” I screamed, jumping up from my chair, shaking both fists in anger.
“Sorry.” Dom said.
“I'm sorry.” Al added.
“Fuck off!” Kreepy shouted.
“Mmm, banana bread.” Jullian said, off in his own little world.
They exited the room and closed the door behind them.
“Finally. Now, as I was saying. Yes, perhaps some of the shit that I say it not the norm when it comes to a “fan favorite”. But, if I may take this opportunity to break the forth wall....I just want to say that I am not a face because I do face shit, I am a face because I kick ass and people know it. I do what I want, when I want and people either like it or they don't. But either way, you are getting the real deal when you get Bigg F'N Rigg. In a world filled with fake people, I am one of those rare genuine mother fuckers. If I feel it, I'm gonna say it rather you like it or not. That being said, I have a lot to say about my match at Caged In.”
“Firstly, let me take this moment to say that it is good to see Nick Ryan still alive and kicking. I thought he would've been crushed to death by a fat chick a long time ago. Fat chicks need love too, but they've gotta pay....giggity. But, I digress. My opponents at Caged In have me really, really scared. Seriously. I'm scared because no one, not even I know how much of John Cable and Christian Connolly's blood will be spilled onto the canvas during this battle. And, what about the poor assholes who have to wash that shit? How do you get stained blood out of cloth?”
“WHITE VINEGAR OR HYDROGEN PEROXIDE!”
“GRANDMA! I'M TRYING TO WORK!” I whined.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHN-JOHN!” She said in her usual sweet tone, before leaving.
“I WANT SOME PIZELLES, GRANDMA!” I shouted. “WITH FUCKING POWDERED SUGAR!”
“MAKE 'EM YOURSELF, FUCK FACE.” She yelled from down the hallway.
“So, vinegar or hydrogen peroxide....good, that's settled. But, rather or not the people cleaning can get the blood out or not is irrelevant. What matters is the fact that there WILL BE BLOOD. Lots and lots of blood. So much blood that the Always corporation will be jealous. Winning, that is secondary. Sure, I'd like to win. I plan on winning, in fact. But what matters most to me is destruction, pain, and suffering. It's a triple threat match. So the fact is, if Ricky Retardo #1 covers Ricky Retardo #2 for the 1,2,3 then I lose. That's the problem with triple threat matches, they're a pain in the ass. Anything can happen. In those conditions, no normal person can guarantee a victory. But, I'm not a normal person. I'm the Angry F'N Italian. And I can say without a single doubt in my mind, that Connolly and Cable are going to go down faster and harder than Jared Fogle on a kindergartner. “
“Christian, you don't even deserve to be in this match. It should've been a one on one between Cable and myself. This is set up to be a screw job in the making. But, when it's all said and done I will be like Bill Cosby, I will do the screwing while you are the one laying there unconscious. It's all fun and games now, Christian. You're probably on cloud nine right about now, in fact. Enjoy it while it lasts, asshat. Because when you're clinging to life, covered in your own blood, tears and piss, you'll realize that being added to this match wasn't really a great thing for you. Not if you had planned on living a long, healthy life at least. Then again, after all these years you're still here trying to put yourself over above everyone else. Maybe you actually want to be crippled. Perhaps you'll be rolling your suntan superman ass around in a wheelchair with a big smile on your face, like the fat old guy from Office Space. Well, if that is the case then allow me to say....you're welcome. I've crippled many people in my life, but none with a personality is plain and boring as yours. So, it is kind of my pleasure to be the Doomsday to your Superman.”
“Next, John “The Beast” Cable. You wanted competition. With your newly grown nuts, you begged for competition. It's nice, huh? Being the big dog in a company? It's even better for someone in your situation. Being the big dog in a company that has a dwindled roster. You're a champion for one reason John, because of people like James Raven, Raziel, Famine of the Vile and myself left. When I first came to WGWF years ago, the roster was stacked. I kicked ass and took titles, John. And I did it at a time when the competition was as fierce as a tiger who hasn't eaten in weeks. It was bloodthirsty back then Johnny. You became relevant after 90% of the roster left. You're not a big dog Johnny Boy, you're a placeholder. Keeping the title and the company itself warm until the stars return. Well, John, one of those stars is back now. So you can go back to wrestling in matches early enough in the night to get you home in time to watch Jimmy Fallon. What I am saying Johnny, is the adults are home and you can feel free to head to bed.”
“I have been gone for a long, long time. But I haven't spent that time sitting on my ass drinking wine and eating pizza. I have trained consistently. Trained because I knew that one day I would come home to WGWF. The only company that I have ever felt at home at. Sure, I made my bones in the XWF. But I was never treated like the star that I am in the XWF. Jon Brown ran the company with iron in his fists and shit in his brains. If you weren't one of the people who constantly spit-shined his hemorrhoids, then you didn't matter. The WGWF, Chris Page and everyone on the roster accepted me and treated me like the star that I am. THAT is the reason why I am back. THAT is the reason why I call this place home. And the truth is, I didn't come back for championships. I will take the Intercontinental title, definitely. But, that isn't why I returned. I returned because I know that this place can be better than its current state and is DESERVES TO BE BETTER. As far as I m concerned, the WGWF is THE greatest franchise in sports entertainment. Not debatable. And rather it is a slow time here or busy as hell, this place is one of a kind. I would not have come out of retirement for the XWF or any other organization. That is something to think about. If you are a member of the WGWF, then you are a member of something special. You are a member of something real. Just know that.”
“It is something that I have never forgotten over these past few years away from the WGWF. And now that I am back, I am going to do everything I can for the people and the company that did everything for me. I will bring the pain, I will spill the blood and I will entertain the fans like no one else can. And, at the end of the night tomorrow....I WILL be standing there holding the IC title high above my head once again. Make no mistake about it, Connolly, Cable....you two cock nuggets will....FEEL THE RAGE!!!! BADA F'N BING, BITCHES!!!!”