Staple gun and three bucks (Buster Gloves vs. Mark Flynn)
Jan 27, 2023 17:12:07 GMT -5
TheNewBreed and markflynn like this
Post by Buster Gloves on Jan 27, 2023 17:12:07 GMT -5
A king's treasure is his people.
-Gandalf probably
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"Well, well, well, look who we have here, it's the most hated man in the universe. King of the Mid-Sharters. Mark… Freaking… Flynn. Well, guess what, Mark… if that really is your real name… you’re no king of mine! I didn’t vote for you. I don’t even like you.
What kind of man, accomplishes so much and still feels so insignificant? You must think so little of everyone else. You eat their lunch in front of them and expect them to congratulate you? Regardless of what you say, you aren’t being held back by anybody. You hold yourself back. You could be the greatest of all time. Instead, you’re not even the greatest wrestler in your own clubhouse.
I know all too well what it’s like to be overshadowed by Peter Vaughn. You must be absolutely obsessed over the fact that he’s about to take away your XWF Title. While I’m studying every second of every match you’ve had in the last 6 months, you’re holding your title close, assuring it that you won’t let the bad man with the mop take it away. You’re not just kissing it; you’re kissing it goodbye.
For the first time in a long time, you’re distracted. You know it. I know it. And I’ve been dying to beat you since James Raven told me to do so. While you’ve been crying and speaking words of affirmation into your rear-view mirror, I’ve been eating nails and smashing bricks. So, here’s what happens. You lose both matches, and then guess where you go next? Back to the mid-card with people like me. But don’t worry, we kept a spot warm for you.
You aren’t the most hated champion in the history of the XWF, or the WGWF, or even in CCPE. You’re just the most ignored.
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What kind of man, accomplishes so much and still feels so insignificant? You must think so little of everyone else. You eat their lunch in front of them and expect them to congratulate you? Regardless of what you say, you aren’t being held back by anybody. You hold yourself back. You could be the greatest of all time. Instead, you’re not even the greatest wrestler in your own clubhouse.
I know all too well what it’s like to be overshadowed by Peter Vaughn. You must be absolutely obsessed over the fact that he’s about to take away your XWF Title. While I’m studying every second of every match you’ve had in the last 6 months, you’re holding your title close, assuring it that you won’t let the bad man with the mop take it away. You’re not just kissing it; you’re kissing it goodbye.
For the first time in a long time, you’re distracted. You know it. I know it. And I’ve been dying to beat you since James Raven told me to do so. While you’ve been crying and speaking words of affirmation into your rear-view mirror, I’ve been eating nails and smashing bricks. So, here’s what happens. You lose both matches, and then guess where you go next? Back to the mid-card with people like me. But don’t worry, we kept a spot warm for you.
You aren’t the most hated champion in the history of the XWF, or the WGWF, or even in CCPE. You’re just the most ignored.
-------
"A Ferris wheel is like a slow dance with the sky." She dreams while looking out the window of the massive gondola. The promise ring on her left-hand taps on the glass as she turns her head to lock her Pepsi blue eyes with those of her life partner.
There’s a soul bound between them. It’s undeniable. Every other occupant in the cabin would attest to that. But the calm demeanor and stoic nature of the Bull of the North, Buster Gloves has a hard time acknowledging it. Buster appreciates Emily’s company. They may even love each other, but he won’t admit that. He won’t say anything that will make him feel more vulnerable than he’s comfortable with. “I never really thought of it that way.” He says, with a wink and a smile.
Just then, the Ferris wheel comes jolting to a stop at the top of the circle. Color drains from Buster’s face, but Emily sparkles. “Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight?” she questions as she takes a selfie for her millions of thirsty Instagram followers. Emily had always been so enamored with the lights and production of Sin City, but Buster only has eyes for her.
“I kind of hate this city, Emmy.” He teases. “I’ve been all over the world and the sh*t I’ve seen here is so far beyond anything else.”
Emily giggles to herself, knowing just how easy it is to get under his skin. “Oh yeh? What’s the worst you’ve seen?"
“I saw a grown man dressed as a fox, having sex with a woman, who was dressed like some kind of slutty chicken, in an Applebees parking lot.” Buster admits with a face as sober as a judge’s heart attack. “I assume it was a chicken, but it could have been a rooster.”
Emily laughs but tries to one-up him anyway. “I can beat that. “
“Oh yeh?” he says, curiosity piqued.
“Totes ma goats.” She says as she puffs out her chest. Emily summons the energy to tell what she thinks is the single most funny story she’s ever told. She’s not that funny to be honest, but Buster plays along. “So, a couple weeks ago, I was at the Ring Rust Café. I love that place. They had a happy hour buffet, and there was all kinds of people there, but this one couple takes the cake. A huge guy, built like a hillbilly fire hydrant, and dressed like Dog the Bounty Hunter, was there with his wife, who looked like a seafood dumpster in Ugg boots. Well, I can’t take my eyes off these two. Watching them eat was like watching an animal exhibit. So anyway, the lady grabs her purse and wobbles over to the buffet bar. She looks left, looks right, then starts stuffing mozzarella sticks in her pants!” Emily finds this part of the story to be especially funny. Buster is mildly amused and moderately nauseous. “Can you believe that?!”
The cabin hums back to life and Buster’s face sours a little bit more. He grabs onto a stabilizing rail and counters. “I believe you, but I think I have you beat.” Buster swallows the feeling that he’s about to vomit from motion sickness. “So… there I was… hanging out in the lobby of the Velvet Rabbit, one morning, a couple weeks ago. I was waiting for Theo Pryce to show up and talk to me about that thing I was telling you about. Anyway, there’s this woman at the front desk. She looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet. She looked like Big Bird’s Aunt Jackie who’s on her third divorce. Anyway, she’s barking at the lady at the front desk and screaming at hotel security. The gist of what Vegas Karen was demanding was that a couple of unwanted guests needed to be removed from her room. Apparently, she had been so drunk the night before that she brought two men back to her room to dig around her spaghetti house. When she woke up in bed the next day, she started screaming at the men to leave, but they wouldn’t. Those two guys could only speak German and she didn’t know any words that weren’t safe words. Those poor guys had no idea she wanted them to leave. When the hotel manager asked if she wanted to press charges, you won’t believe what she said. She told him no, because everything was consensual, but she just didn’t want them around anymore.”
“O..M…G… William. I can’t even imagine.”
The Ferris wheel continues to move back to its station. Buster continues to feel sick, somewhat regretting this stupid idea to take his girlfriend out somewhere new. “I swear, the people in this town. This place. We need to leave it as soon as possible. Rock the suburbs for a while.”
“You really think you could walk away from all of… THIS?” She says as she displays the night sky of the desert’s brightest city.
“Would walk away in a second.” Buster says without hesitation.
Emily just smirks and cocks her head to the side. “Well, we will just have to find another place to stuff cheese sticks down our pants, I guess.”
“Get me off this f*cking boat. I’m gonna barf…”
-------
A slam poem…
Stolen by William Bernard Glover
Orated by William Bernard Glover
Enjoyed by… You
Big blue eyes
Pointy nose
Chasing mice
And digging holes
Tiny paws
Up the hill
Suddenly he’s standing still
What does Mark Flynn say?
<insert finger snap noises here>
Mark Flynn says too damn much if you ask me. But none of what he says matters. You hear me, Mark? You run your mouth about how we should all worship the ground you walk on. Yapping as if silence would cause your heart to stop beating. Well let me put your mind at ease. We hear the words falling from your mouth like crap from a horse’s butt. We just don’t care anymore.
Why are you so unhappy, Bro? Always comparing yourself to better people, constantly measuring your d*cks in the CCPE clubhouse. You must feel so inadequate in comparison to the rest of them. Never the prettiest girl in the room, always jealous of the ones that are, and believing that your lack of recognition is due to the actions of others rather than your own shortcomings.
I think I know your problem. I think, deep down, you feel like an imposter. You faked it so long that you actually made it and now you don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing anymore. It must be hard to feel like everything is beyond your control.
Well let me spoil the ending to your story, Bud. You’re never going to be satisfied. You’ll never feel complete. You’re gonna steal chickens from the hen house, over and over, until you get caught. And when it’s over, you’ll blame “all the stupid idiots that held you back.”
Well, here I am, Mark. I AM here to hold you back. Beating you is my destiny. It was written in scripture by James Raven himself. Let’s ignore the fact that you’re one Zima away from deep crippling depression. I’m on a holy quest and I WILL NOT BE STOPPED!
I’m sitting by the chicken coop, holding my grand daddy’s shotgun, and I’m just waiting for your fluffy *ss to come sneaking around looking for a free meal. I’ll take your damn head off.
I’m ready to f*cking do this, Boi! I have just ONE chance to beat you before you go back into your hole for 12 more weeks of winter. The time to stop you is right f*cking now! Before you come back in 6 months and steal all the chickens from my hen house.
My court-mandated shrink tells me that I broadcast hostility. Maybe he’s right. So, I requested a special match for us. You’re gonna love this and I’ve prepared a little song and dance number for just the occasion.
<fade to black>
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<We fade in from black. A single spotlight hits Buster as 90’s R&B music as the instrumental version of Lonely Island’s “Dick in the Box” plays and he starts doing a smooth 2-step dance.>
Hey, Flynn…
I've got somethin' real important to give you…
So just sit down…
and listen…
Flynn you know I been thinkin’… such a long, long time (Such a long time)
And now I'm ready, to lay it on the line
Well, you know I’m here and, my book is open wide (Open wide)
Gonna make a stipulation, so you know what's on my mind (What's on my mind)
A match real special, it’ll be the main event
Check me out one time – a staple gun and 3 bucks (just 3 bucks)
Not gonna mention CCPE
That den of snakes, don’t’ mean any-thing
Not gonna mention championships
Flynn you gotta know, that you're on my list
Not gonna mention the Cannabis Cup
Make like a tree and shut the f*ck up
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
(Somethin' special Flynn)
A staple gun and 3 bucks!...staple gun and 3 bucks, Flynn
A staple gun and 3 bucks! Ooh, staple gun and 3 bucks, Flynn
See, I'm wise enough to know what’s good stip-u-lations (Yeah)
And I got just the one
Somethin' to show ya that I’m second to none
To all the playas out there with Ravens to impress
It's easy to do, just follow these steps
Step one… Staple gun in the match.
Step two… Find 3 bucks in that MATCH.
Step three… Knock Flynn OUT in that match…
Then staple three bucks to his body… IT’S A STAPLE GUN MATCH!
MARK FLYNN… HEAR MY WORDS, YOU MID-CARD PIECE OF SH*T. I got a staple gun, 3 bucks, I’m not just coming to DARK to take down a mid-card king. I’m coming to take the whole goddamn castle!
-------
Stolen by William Bernard Glover
Orated by William Bernard Glover
Enjoyed by… You
Big blue eyes
Pointy nose
Chasing mice
And digging holes
Tiny paws
Up the hill
Suddenly he’s standing still
What does Mark Flynn say?
<insert finger snap noises here>
Mark Flynn says too damn much if you ask me. But none of what he says matters. You hear me, Mark? You run your mouth about how we should all worship the ground you walk on. Yapping as if silence would cause your heart to stop beating. Well let me put your mind at ease. We hear the words falling from your mouth like crap from a horse’s butt. We just don’t care anymore.
Why are you so unhappy, Bro? Always comparing yourself to better people, constantly measuring your d*cks in the CCPE clubhouse. You must feel so inadequate in comparison to the rest of them. Never the prettiest girl in the room, always jealous of the ones that are, and believing that your lack of recognition is due to the actions of others rather than your own shortcomings.
I think I know your problem. I think, deep down, you feel like an imposter. You faked it so long that you actually made it and now you don’t know what the f*ck you’re doing anymore. It must be hard to feel like everything is beyond your control.
Well let me spoil the ending to your story, Bud. You’re never going to be satisfied. You’ll never feel complete. You’re gonna steal chickens from the hen house, over and over, until you get caught. And when it’s over, you’ll blame “all the stupid idiots that held you back.”
Well, here I am, Mark. I AM here to hold you back. Beating you is my destiny. It was written in scripture by James Raven himself. Let’s ignore the fact that you’re one Zima away from deep crippling depression. I’m on a holy quest and I WILL NOT BE STOPPED!
I’m sitting by the chicken coop, holding my grand daddy’s shotgun, and I’m just waiting for your fluffy *ss to come sneaking around looking for a free meal. I’ll take your damn head off.
I’m ready to f*cking do this, Boi! I have just ONE chance to beat you before you go back into your hole for 12 more weeks of winter. The time to stop you is right f*cking now! Before you come back in 6 months and steal all the chickens from my hen house.
My court-mandated shrink tells me that I broadcast hostility. Maybe he’s right. So, I requested a special match for us. You’re gonna love this and I’ve prepared a little song and dance number for just the occasion.
<fade to black>
-------
<We fade in from black. A single spotlight hits Buster as 90’s R&B music as the instrumental version of Lonely Island’s “Dick in the Box” plays and he starts doing a smooth 2-step dance.>
Hey, Flynn…
I've got somethin' real important to give you…
So just sit down…
and listen…
Flynn you know I been thinkin’… such a long, long time (Such a long time)
And now I'm ready, to lay it on the line
Well, you know I’m here and, my book is open wide (Open wide)
Gonna make a stipulation, so you know what's on my mind (What's on my mind)
A match real special, it’ll be the main event
Check me out one time – a staple gun and 3 bucks (just 3 bucks)
Not gonna mention CCPE
That den of snakes, don’t’ mean any-thing
Not gonna mention championships
Flynn you gotta know, that you're on my list
Not gonna mention the Cannabis Cup
Make like a tree and shut the f*ck up
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
(Somethin' special Flynn)
A staple gun and 3 bucks!...staple gun and 3 bucks, Flynn
A staple gun and 3 bucks! Ooh, staple gun and 3 bucks, Flynn
See, I'm wise enough to know what’s good stip-u-lations (Yeah)
And I got just the one
Somethin' to show ya that I’m second to none
To all the playas out there with Ravens to impress
It's easy to do, just follow these steps
Step one… Staple gun in the match.
Step two… Find 3 bucks in that MATCH.
Step three… Knock Flynn OUT in that match…
Then staple three bucks to his body… IT’S A STAPLE GUN MATCH!
MARK FLYNN… HEAR MY WORDS, YOU MID-CARD PIECE OF SH*T. I got a staple gun, 3 bucks, I’m not just coming to DARK to take down a mid-card king. I’m coming to take the whole goddamn castle!
-------