Post by "The Fabulous One" Dan Fierce on Apr 28, 2012 13:29:47 GMT -5
(A few days prior to the Log Cabin Republican Convention)
“Okay, a little more… THERE!” The security guard motioned for the delivery driver to stop his truck at the base of the dock to unload the parcel. Another man approached him from the receiving office with a clipboard at hand.
“What have we got Bob?” queried the clerk trying to make heads or tails of the paperwork.
“Oh hey, Henry. Looks to me like a barrel of…” He ran his finger down the bill of lading to the item description. “Personal lubricant?”
The clerk almost fell down laughing. “Are you SERIOUS? What the HELL do they need that much lube for?”
Bob shrugged with a sly grin on his face. “Well, they ARE gay. Maybe they plan on easing into the budget talks. Like a Republican could ever balance a budget.” Both men laughed heartily as the driver made his way around to the dock, placing work gloves on his hands and shaking his head in disbelief.
“Where do you want it, fellas?” the driver inquired.
The receiving clerk and security guard both backed off as if he were unloading a barrel of used diapers and the clerk pointed over to a dark corner of the warehouse. “Put that crap over there next to the boiler. I ain’t touching it until they tell me to.”
“I don’t blame ya,” added the driver. “Think I’ve officially seen everything now.” The driver carted the barrel to the indicated spot and dislodged his trolley from its cargo, one of the straps falling free and uncovering a warning label they had ignored.
It warned against placing the barrel next to any major heat source.
(Back to the present situation)
“DAN FIERCE!” growled the hideously deformed yet somehow erotic beast as it marched around the convention area, its phallus cannon waving menacingly to and fro. “I WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!”
Dan hid behind an overturned table, trying to calm his racing heart and panicking mind. A white flash splintered the table next to him to shreds, the remnants dripping with some sort of milky substance. “Could this POSSIBLY get any worse?” he thought as he scanned the room for an escape route.
A door burst open as a uniformed man surged through, gun pointed authoritatively at the monster. “FREEZE PAL! I dunno what your problem is, but you need to lie down on the ground and no one will get hurt! DO IT NOW!”
Dan motioned for the guard to take cover, but his efforts went unseen. The Republicock spun on his newfound aggressor and leveled his cannon at him. “Your bullets can’t harm us! We are mighty and conservative!”
“I don’t give a dog dick if you’re conservative or liberal! I said get your ass down on the ground!”
The beast cocked its head to the side as it glared at the guard. “Your liberal mindset will doom this country. We will set you right.” An odd groaning sound bellowed from the creature as it took aim.
“Okay, Pal. You asked for it!” He opened fire on the man-thing, the bullets ricocheting off as if he were made of granite. Finally, his gun clicked, his clip completely empty.
“Shooting blanks, I see. Well, it’s a good thing I’m locked and loaded!” The monster groaned loud and lurched his hips at the guard. Another flash of white accompanied by a thunderous boom echoed throughout the ballroom. A blurry, milk-like glob exited the cannon, speeding toward the helpless man and planting him firmly against the wall behind him with a wet thud.
The guard writhed in agony as the substance seemingly worked its way into his skin with an audible hiss. Dan watched on in horror, his hands clasped against his mouth to prevent the screams building inside him from escaping. “NO!” cried the guard in vain. “Get it off of me! It bur…” His words were suddenly cut off as the white goo Crackled into a crusty substance that froze him in place.
“Pssstt!” Dan heard the sound, but couldn’t locate its source. “Pssstt!” Dan spun around and found that the whispers came from a very familiar looking man. His head was peeked around a door on the opposite side of the room the guard had come in. “Come on! Get ovah heyah!” He had a thick accent that was unmistakable. That’s when Dan remembered that there were other celebrities present at this function, and one of them was motioning for him to escape right now. Dan saw that the creature was stomping toward his creation. “If you don’t move, it’ll see you! Hurry!” commanded the man.
Dan didn’t think twice. He stayed low to minimize the chances of getting caught and bee-lined it for the door. Just before he reached potential freedom, a series of loud cracks behind him caused him to pause. Slowly, Dan turned his gaze to the statue-guard. The substance covering him began to flake off and the guard regained his motion just as the monster finalized his approach. Finally, the guard shook off most of the brittle gunk. “Oh. My. Gawd!” he shouted in a newly effeminate voice. “These shoes are absolutely horrid! I’m simply must go shopping for…” The guard turned his eyes and looked directly at Dan and let out a loud gasp. “THAT BITCH IS ESCAPING! AND HE HAS SPLIT ENDS! AFTER HIM!” The unexpected diatribe caught the attention of the monster and Dan alike.
“I don’t have split ends!” Realizing he just blew what little cover he had left, Dan clapped his hands over his mouth. The beast and the guard both released an inhuman howl of anger.
“RUN!” demanded the man at the other door.
This time, Dan turned on his heels and sprinted full-tilt towards the door. The creatures let out another cry of fury and began to give chase. The ground shook with each step the monster took. His phallus swayed back and forth from the inertia of the movement. White, sticky blast after blast whizzed past Dan, obliterating anything it came into contact with. The man at the door barely managed to duck away from a stray shot that came at him. His eyes were wide with fear as he peeked back into the room just as Dan jumped through the opening. Dan and his rescuer became a mass of humanity in a panicked attempt at regaining solid footing. “Quick! Close the door!” ordered another man with grayish blonde hair and a soul patch under his bottom lip.
A rather rotund man leaned all of his weight against the portal, severing the monster’s right hand from the arm. “Oh no you don’t!” he decried as the thing let out a wail of agony. The latch clicked into place after Dan and the man with the accent untangled themselves from each other and assisted. The hand suddenly grabbed the ankle of the larger man, causing him to scream like a girl and kick his leg in attempt to dislodge it. “What the HELL is that thing?”
The grayish blonde man, who was wearing a straw cowboy hat, tee shirt and a denim vest, walked over with a makeshift club and began to pound at the severed limb finally knocking it off. “Damned if I know. And I ain’t sticking around to ask.” He finished pummeling the hand into lifelessness and tossed the stick aside.
It took a few minutes for Dan’s eyes to adjust to the new light level. Once his pupils were happy, he finally confirmed his suspicions on the voices he heard. The man with the accent was none other than “The Governator” himself, Arnold Schwarzeneggar. The man with the cowboy hat was Ted Nugent, and the roundish fellow was someone Dan wished he could feed to the monster: Rush Limbaugh. Another tall balding man was leaning against the wall next to the door, an unhinged look in his eyes. With a bit more mental scanning, Dan knew the petrified man was Bill O’Reilly. “Remind me to kill my publicist when I get out of here,” he said panting away his fright.
Dan looked at the company he was suddenly forced to keep and whispered aloud, “And the fun just keeps on leaving.”
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
A Fierce Promo:
Dan is seen looking at a tabloid paper’s front page. Fury, hate, and heartbreak all cross his eyes in an emotional tempest. Finally, he slams the paper down. The camera catches the photo on the front page; Heather Halliwell and Vega$ caught coming out of the same room arm in arm.
“FUCK!” A look of animalistic rage flares in his eyes as he looks at the camera. “I know I’m supposed to using this time to address my opponent. Believe me; I have plenty to say to Mighty Kid. However, I HAVE to address this…” Dan indicates the paper. “…This little development.
“First off… Vega$... STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BFF, you STD-having man-whore! Of all the fucking things you could do, you had to take the one bright light I have in my life right now? Really? I swear to gawd that I will get my hands on you and hit you with everything, including the kitchen sink if you don’t step the fuck back and I mean right now!
“And Heather? Just whose fucking side are you on? I really don’t know which part to be more pissed at you for; the fact that you slept with the most vile man in my existence, or the fact that you were under some sort of drug-induced delusion to have done it. Oh, I can see it in your eyes in the picture. You and I are going to have a VERY long talk, little missy, and it will NOT be pretty.
“Now, on to Mighty Kid. Before I get started, you can thank the Scarlet Harlot and Vega$ for the righteous beating I’m going to dish out to you. Don’t get me wrong. You’ve earned every last bit of blood I’m going to spill of yours on your own. But this little circumstance has tipped me well over the edge and I will need someone to take it out on. Thanks for volunteering, dumbass. Luckily for you, my training in martial arts will help keep my rage from completely blinding me. Oh no. I will be completely focused on you, even though you might not be the one I imagine thrashing with EVERY blow.
“This isn’t the XWF, Mighty Kid. You were nigh unstoppable there and came out of the Reboot Era as one of the more decorated up-and-comers. But your ‘ascension’ seemed to stall at the mid-card once better competition began rolling back in and they allowed back the more experienced stars. I’m not Nathan Saniti. I’m not Dark Shadow. Hell, I’m not even Kyle Shane. Thank gawd for small favors. I am Dan Fierce, and I WILL come at you with both fabulous guns blazing and you locked dead in my sights. That’s a place you shouldn’t EVER want to be.
“Seriously, I want an answer to one simple little question: Why me? Why did you decide I should be the target of your WGWF debut? Hmmm? Was it because you think my recent actions as ‘villainous?’ Was it because you think I’m an easy mark? Or was it because you know that a win over me does add some notoriety and credence to your presence? Well, just let me set the record straight on a few things, kiddo.
“Don’t you DARE come at me with any of that ‘villain’ nonsense. I have never done anyone harm outside of the ring that didn’t have it coming. The ones who did have it coming earned this bitch’s wrath because they sought to step on my rights or get in my way. If that makes me the ‘bad guy,’ then so be it! I’ll be the ice queen that wears that crown proudly. But let’s take a look at your past and see if you truly have what it takes to cast that shade. You spent the latter part of your tenure in that ‘other place’ doing some pretty unscrupulous things. Maybe that’s why you came to the WGWF. You wanted to run from your past. Let me tell you from experience; it will catch up to you. On the same subject, you can’t bring up your past accomplishments while wanting people to negate the rest of your past. It doesn’t work that way. Strike one.
“On the subject of if I’m an easy mark… you can ask Kyle Shane about that shit. Yes he won both of our matches -- matches you interfered in I might add – and barely won either one. So ask him how easy of a mark I am. This bitch will bring the fire. You had better hope your caped ass isn’t flammable. Sure, I may not have title reigns to add to my credibility, but don’t think for one second that I will just lie down and let you steamroll over me. I am perfectly capable of holding my own when in that ring, regardless of my record. The one mistake you have made is targeting me, and at Slugfest I will finally have you between the ropes where I can see you. No more games. No more blackouts and cowardly attacks from you. You are as good as buried before you even begin in the WGWF, kiddo. Strike two.
“I don’t even think that you are even aware of the predicament you’ve put yourself in. Over the last month, you’ve attacked me, costing me a title match, a non-title rematch, and almost costing me two other matches against guys like Chicken Buu and Dancing Dude Ted or Bill, whichever one it was. Both of those guys aren’t even fit to shine a jobber’s shoes. As for the six foot chicken… he just got put against me when I was way too hungry for him to handle. That momentum will continue through Slugfest, Kid. I gave up on being the nice guy. I got sick of finishing last. Moreover, you have flat out pissed me off. You’re not facing a mere joke of a man. You are going to be the canvas I paint crimson with my new attitude. You’re facing an animal and my claws have been bared at you. If you really want to get an idea of who you yanked the bitch out of, just ask Seth Stevens. Wait. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
“Do you honestly think that Seth didn’t deserve being sidelined? What part of ‘Sinister’ Seth Stevens did you miss? Not only was he a joke of a combatant, he was a closeted homophobe trying to pair himself with me, ride my coat tails, hide his true feelings from the world, and probably get himself a little he-trim on the side. I’m supposed to tolerate having him as a tag partner? Not fucking likely! His disingenuous ways are what caused me to ‘turn my back’ on him. I have no qualms with what I did to him. In fact, I enjoyed every minute of it, and the entire world should thank me for ridding the airwaves of that waste of humanity.
“So bring your ‘taste of justice’ to the ring. While you’re at it, bring those two wannabes with you so I can keep an eye on them as well. As I said on the News and Rumors site, I have a little crazy up my sleeve to keep them at bay. It’s a brand of crazy you are all too familiar with. Your boys will be a complete non-factor in this match. Bring your vindication and I will spice it up as only I can before I cram it whole-heartedly down your worthless gullet. Swing. Whiff. Strike three, Mighty Kid.
“At Spring Slugfest, I will show the entire world that this bitch means business. I’ll get the respect due me if I have to skin you and every other self-righteous fuck they set across the ring from me alive. You might have gotten the upper hand with your sneak attacks for the better part of a month, Mighty Kid, but you have sown a very sour fruit indeed, pun intended. Now You shall reap a bitter harvest. That’s not just gospel, kiddo… That’s fucking FIERCE!"